can you save me? || obikin

2.

Biting my cheek, I fought off the urge to bolt for the door and stop this conversation in its dangerous tracks.

"I suppose," I rasped hollowly after a moment, looking at the wall behind him as I tried to hold my voice steady. He paced over to me, a strange sort of confidence in his eyes.

"Tell me," he commanded gently, his gaze steady as he stepped into my line of sight. I could feel my pulse in my veins, could hear every little sound in the room. The silence felt like it was waiting for my words, for my admission, for something to pounce on.

"I can't..." I murmured, looking down at him again. That blue twilight from the window reflected off his skin, making him seem somewhat ethereal. It pained me to think what it would be to tell such a pure and wonderful man of all the atrocities I had committed. It would be like taking the blood on my hands and smearing his perfect skin with the weight of all I'd done, all I'd wanted to do. I couldn't bear the thought of him thinking so lowly of me when I thought the worlds of him.

My hands shook at my sides as he reached out, placing an arm on my elbow and peering at me as though I were a statue he had sculpted, and he was trying to decide how he felt about his final product. How well had he shaped me? Was I what he'd originally envisioned? Would he ultimately cast me away as a failed project? The Tuskens echoed again, and I glanced away for a moment.

"Anakin. You know I would never betray you to anyone. I can help you," he offered, trying to pry open the doors I'd shut to hide away the emotions in my eyes. The way he was looking at me felt like a drill boring into my skull, and I felt such a pressure in our bond, too.

"You would be ashamed of me, Master..." I admitted finally, the torment in my mind seeping into my words as I whispered them into the hungry silence of his living room. I felt his hand tighten on my arm as he laughed, a shocking sound in the midst of such a tense moment.

"Anakin, I assure you I will understand any emotions you have. After all," he tilted his head to catch my eyes, "you feel more deeply than the ordinary jedi. Such is the way of someone so strong in the force."

"But I've been weak, Obi-Wan. I've..." I trailed off, trying not to let it all out, but ultimately gave in. It was time he knew. Voice barely steady, I wrung my hands and opened my mouth.

"I've done things, Master. Things that would make your skin crawl. Terrible, selfish, angry things..."

He was quiet. I could feel the apprehension in his mind, and dread pooled in my stomach. It seemed a long time had passed before that apprehension turned into resolve, to understanding. He softened.

"So have I. If I may assume what you're... trying to say... I might remind you of the way I reached knighthood," he pointed out, and I met his eyes.

"That was different, you were... you were defending yourself," I stammered, feeling the stinging behind my eyelids that announces tears. It shocked me – it had been a long time since I'd cried, and it told me my emotions were slipping. But as I looked into the softness of his face, his eyes, I felt it was past time I'd let it out.

"Anakin, if I were truly defending myself from Maul, I would have turned and run the other way. If you had been there, you would know my words to be true," he confessed, his voice low. "I was angry. I was rash. In the moment before I swung, I felt something foreign pushing my hands to where they needed to be. There were whispers in my ears, and I did not try to drown them out." He held my gaze. "I truly hated him for what he'd done, and I embraced the power that hatred was giving me as I killed him out of desire."

I swallowed, not knowing how to handle this admission.

"That was the essence of the dark side, Anakin. I've felt it. I've used it. And I'm sure it won't be the last time," he continued, his silvery voice slipping into my mind and seeping below my mental shields. I could tell it wouldn't be long before he unwound me and they came crashing down. Mumbling, I tried to keep myself present.

"Its so powerful, Master. There's not much I can do to... to..." I stuttered, trying to steer this in the way I needed it to go.

"I know, Ani. Especially with you," he soothed, his other hand coming to my other elbow. I looked up at him again, trying not to picture how he would look when I told him of the people I'd killed, and the people I'd wanted to.

"Can you... can you help me?" I whispered, my eyes pleading with him to let me relieve all of the stress in my mind. There was a sudden shift in my mind – instead of fearing what my admission would mean, I began to desperately want it's release. My stomach tightened.

It would feel so good... to let him slip into my mind and pull me apart. For the time being he would be there. My master – warm and bright and safe, filling me up and blocking out everything I couldn't.

He'd be there afterward to pick up the pieces... to sort through the mess of secrets and find me again. And then he would pull me from the fragments of my shattered soul and tell me it was okay. He would forgive me... Obi-Wan always forgave me.