Looking For His North Star

Chapter five

Yaman woke up with a start, his whole body covered in a fine sheen of sweat. Figments of his dream still clung to him. It was always the same. It was always about her.

She always left him at the end.

Yaman dragged himself out of the bed and prepared himself for another long day. Two months. Exactly two months since Seher had disappeared and he was slowly going crazy. His every waking hour consisted of looking for his wife. He'd even gone as far as to search through the whole of Antep- her hometown. But there was no sign of her. It was as if she'd vanished from the very existence.

But her presence haunted him at every turn. He would see her in every woman he passed, hear her voice on everyone's lips. He always woke up to her scent which evaporated as soon as he opened his eyes.

The empty room seemed to mock him. He'd done everything he could, to erase her from his life- burned her clothes, burned their memories, sworn off her name and he even wanted to shoot the North Star out of the sky.

Now he would give anything, just to see her green eyes once before he died.

He shook himself out of his gloomy thoughts. No. Seher was out there. She was alive. He would feel it in his heart if something happened to her, because like Seher had said in that recording, they had a special bond woven with love, trust and faith. No matter what happened, he would find her.

Çenger had taken pity on him. To Yaman's surprise, the man had salvaged what he could, from the fire. Now in addition to the scorched infinity symbol, he had most of their memories- their letters, their gifts, safely and lovingly stacked in a box engraved with the infinity symbol. Half burnt and discolored- but memories nonetheless.

He checked on Yusuf as he always did, the first thing in the morning. The little one wasn't coping well with his aunt's absence. He'd become more and more isolated, choosing to study from home rather than going to school. Now he lay burrowed under the covers while Çenger stood next to him, clearing out his toys.

Yaman came in. Çenger nodded at him before taking his leave. He sat on Yusuf's bed and pulled back the covers.

"Good morning, little fire", he said. "Haven't you still decided to go back to school?"

Yusuf raised his head. The look in the child's eyes (whose shapes never failed to remind him of Seher's) devastated him.

"Uncle", he said. "I know why auntie isn't coming back..."

Yaman tried to ignore the twinge in his heart.

"What do you mean, little fire?"

Yusuf sat up and pulled out something from under his pillow.

"Auntie gave this to me before she left..."

Yaman looked at the crumpled calendar in his hands, days crossed out by squiggly, multicolored lines.

"She told me to cross out the days until she comes back. She told me she was going away to protect you from the bad guys. See this tiny heart mark? That was the day she was supposed to come..."

The last four days before the heart mark were blank.

"But auntie came back early, so I stopped crossing them". Yusuf looked down. "I didn't keep my promise. That's why she left, didn't she?"

Oh, Yusuf...

Yaman gathered the little boy into his arms and pressed a kiss on to his curly head.

"Little fire?"

"Hmm..?" Yusuf mumbled.

"Do you remember the time when we lived in a farm house for a while with the lambs? You, me and your aunt?"