32 | little kiss muffet

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Several emotions swelled in her chest. Pride. Happiness. And — if she were completely honest with herself — a pang of worry. But Louise shoved that last emotion aside, rolling to face him. She couldn't afford to be selfish. Not now.

"Congratulations." She squeezed his arm. "That's huge, Ben. And you deserve it. You've worked so hard for it."

"I turned it down," Ben said.

Louise paused. Blinked.

"You did?" she asked.

"I did," Ben said. "I just keep thinking..." He ran a hand over his jaw. "I want to be here with you, Louise. For everything. I want to see the kids grow up. I want to... I don't know. I just want to be here." He turned to face her, his green eyes earnest. "Does that make sense?"

A lump rose in her throat.

"You can still take it," Louise said, because she had to. Of course she did. "I don't mind, Ben. If you want to take the job—"

"I don't." Ben's voice was firm. "In fact, I'm thinking about quitting the company entirely. Joining a smaller firm with more flexible hours." His mouth quirked. "As long as you're on board, of course."

Something swelled in her chest, and it took Louise a moment to identify it: love. It had snuck up on her like a rising tide, creeping up around her ankles. She had felt it all around her at first, a veritable sea, and then it seeped into her skin. Absorbed into her heart. First you lived in love, she thought; then it lived in you.

"I'm on board," Louise said.

She kissed his cheek, and Ben smiled. She had only a moment of peace, however, before Vienna was trying to wriggle her way in between them, and Hugh was demanding a story. Louise glanced at Ben. He merely shrugged, however, as if to say, "You're meant to be the creative one."

Louise took it away.

She told them a story about a faraway kingdom named Millicia, where the royal family road magical frogs the size of small horses. The young princess was very nervous about her first day at school, and her pet frog distracted her by doing little jigs and chasing the cooks around the kitchen. She was just getting to the part about the princess arrived at school when the kids' breathing evened out, rising and falling in waves.

She kissed Vienna's forehead; the toddler didn't stir.

"Hugh?" she whispered.

The boy's eyelids flickered. Dark, sooty eyelashes cast shadows across his cheekbones, and not for the first time, Louise thought about how much he looked like Ben. Which was probably for the best, Louise thought; she resembled a drooling alpaca when she slept.

"What did you say?" Ben asked softly. "To Ophelia?"

Louise paused, her hand tangled in Vienna's hair. "Have you spoken to Andrew lately?"

"No," Ben said. "Not since last week. Why?"

Louise smiled. "Ophelia's pregnant."

Ben stilled. "She is?"

"Yeah."

She could see his mind working. "Was that... planned?"

"No." Louise resumed stroking Vienna's hair, winding the curls around her fingers. "But they're happy about it. Ophelia's already going on about transforming one of the rooms into a nursery. She's due in August."

Ben's brow furrowed. He didn't have to say aloud what he was thinking; Louise already knew. In some ways, she thought, they were two hands of the same person. Their minds worked in tandem. She knew that he would be worried about the abruptness of it, the strangeness, but that he was also excited. Hopeful.

For once, they weren't losing anyone; they were gaining someone.

Louise squeezed his hand. "They'll be okay."

"I know," Ben murmured.

"And they have us."

Ben released a breath. "I can't help but think..." He turned to face her. "Do you feel guilty? About...?"

Louise heard the words he couldn't say: being happy while they're gone.

She thought of Millie holding up those stupid glittery shoes in Harrods that she wanted to buy for James. Millie, riding a bicycle down a hill, her dark braids with pink ribbons flying behind her. Millie, laughing so hard that she snorted chocolate milk. Millie, by that pond, grinning maniacally as she caught frogs, her smile so wide that Louise thought it would split the world in two.

Her sister was a piece of her heart. She always would be.

And yet...

"Sometimes," Louise murmured, "I miss her so much that it feels impossible to move on. But Millie believed in looking forward. She'd want me to be happy." She held his gaze. "And I like to think that James would want that for you, too."

Ben kissed her hand. Their breath mingled together, rising up into their private golden stars and then out through the window. There, it would disperse into the inky black sky and climb into the cradle of constellations. And maybe into something beyond that. Something that they couldn't see yet.

And they let go of them.

Together.

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