I will survive

Chapter 17

Chapter 17:

Cole told me to steel one of Audrey's dresses for the funeral, because neither of us wanted to go shopping again - we both agreed it wasn't worth the headache.

So standing in front of a mirror in one of the many rooms, I just studied myself. The black dress was actually quite pretty, and it hugged my figure nicely - well, if I'd had a figure to hug. I needed to eat, because I was definitely getting way too thin. And a lot of my muscle tone had disappeared from lack of doing stuff.

My face looked drawn, the skin too tight, my eyes and cheeks sunken. I looked worse than when I was with Dad. Maybe I should at least try to eat something. Maybe I've gotten past the throwing up stage where I was a few days ago. But I could still taste the vomit in my throat.

I slipped into a pair - one of the only pair - of Audrey's flats, then left the room and went to find Cole. He was sitting on his bed, looking like some God as usual, and I plonked myself onto his lap.

He snaked his arms around me and hugged me close. I felt safe.

"Cole?" I said into his chest.

"What?"

"I think I should try eating again."

"I think so too." Neither of us moved, just stayed as we were, my face buried safely in Cole's chest, his in the crook of my neck. My arms were folded between us, and his were holding me close. I could have stayed like that forever.

Someone knocked at the door.

What could I have done in that past life?

"Come in, Isabel."

How does he always know who it is?

Isabel came in and said, "It's time to go." She was also dressed for the funeral. We were something akin to friends, and she insisted on attending Cathy's funeral.

I nodded, but noticed no reaction from Cole. No reaction apart from pulling me towards him and laying a comforting hand on my waist. We walked out of the room and into one of the many cars the Masons owned. Isabel was driving.

My dad was going to be at the funeral.

I was going to hurt him badly. Maybe not today, I was too weak. But another day for sure. He had to pay for what he did to Cathy.

The church looked sad, as if the building itself were mourning. The snow around us was slowly starting to melt, leaving black slush in it's stead. It was disgusting. Not to mention it was still cold. Maybe a bit like I felt.

We entered the church. We weren't the first ones there. Slowly my thoughts were falling apart, the speech I'd prepared lost in a muddle of memories and feelings.

For some part the priest did some stuff that didn't really interest me. And I can't say I was paying attention. Instead, I was reliving every moment I could remember with Cathy. Every single one. Even from when Mum was alive. Tears were steadily streaming down my face, but I was determined not to break down completely. And I was determined not to see my dad's face among the crowd.

I was dreamwalking. A blur of information barely registered in my brain. Another girl who happened to have lived the same life as myself walked up to the front of the church and stood there. It was another girl, not me, that then gave herself a few moments of silent tears before opening her mouth.

And it definitely wasn't me that came up with something to say. "Cathy. We had always been close, even before everything started going south for us. Originaly I'd planned on talking about how lovely she was, how she'd always been there for me, how she'd cry my tears even before she knew what was wrong. All of that is true, but it says nothing about Cathy. Cathy was much more than that, and she didn't deserve most of what happened to her.

"Unfortunately life isn't fair, or she would have had the most beautiful life anyone could have possibly hoped for. I want Cathy to be remembered for what she was. But in order to do that, you'll all have to understand a little about what she had to go through."

My eyes found my father's, and I could tell he knew what I was talking about. I could tell he knew that this speech was aimed more at him than anyone else.

Somebody coughed.

"When Cathy was eight, our mother died. Why, is not important, but the consequences are. Our father, he... I don't know how else to put this. He lost it. He did things he probably shouldn't have done. I don't want sympathy, I want you all to understand." Tears were pouring out of my eyes now. "Cathy handled everyhing amazingly. Almost better than I did.

"She never complained, even though I know that she probably really wanted to. She rarely thought of herself. In fact, I had to force her to. She was constantly worried about me, whether I was alright, if I'd been hurt. She was strong, and her strength kept me strong too."

Something was missing. I hadn't captured the essence of Cathy.

"But in the moment it mattered, she disregarded what I'd always told her to do, and threw herself in front of the knife that would have probably killed me. Instead of thinking of herself, like I'd always told her to do, she thought of me, like she'd always tried to make me allow."

The silence that followed was pleasant. I let it breathe for a few moments, before filling it with something new, "I had promised that we would survive. I had made that promise countless of times, though it was a promise I knew I wouldn't bee able to keep. It's like a cruel twist of fate, however, that has let me survive, because I'd always thought it would be Cathy. She had been so much fuller of life than myself.

"But in the end it didn't matter that she was amazing, generous, selfless, thoughtful, strong, creative, clever, beautiful. In the end, my father's grief that had turned into madness made her sacrifice her life.

"Cathy, aside from everything else she was, was also an amazing artist. I've brought some of her pictures with me today. They'll be around the back for all of you to look at later."

I walked away from the microphone and back to my seat, fully aware, not dreamwalking, not living in one of my memories. Here, now. And I was fully aware of my father's heavy glare, but I did not shrink away from it or rise to the challenge I knew it posed. I left it there, an unanswered call. That call did not deserve an answer.

Later, Audrey assured me that it was a good speech, though I still felt as if something were missing.

As I lay curled in the safe circle of Cole's arms, I realised what it was that had bothered my speech. I couldn't tell everyone now, but someone had to know. I whispered, "She died with a smile on her face."

I felt a sense of relief and closed my eyes. Sleep found me quickly that night.

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A/N: I know it's short, but it felt right to end it there, so that's where it finishes. Anyway, no idea when the next chapter will be up, but I hope it will be by the end of this week, maybe beginning of next.

Hope you all enjoyed it and sorry about the length.