Seven Deadly Stages (Letters To HER)

1. Shock

It was the early morning of November 1st, 2021, when I had woken up from what I thought was a bad dream.

My mother came into my room around 4 am, softly touched my back and gave me an awakening shake, and whispered in my ear, with such sadness and such heartache in her voice, that my grandmother had passed away.

I instantly woke up and jumped out of bed, to make sure that this was in fact true. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and gave me an assuring nod.

I got into my gown...well, my grandmother's gown, and walked into the living room. There, I saw, my mother, my grandfather, my uncle, and his wife, all with tears in their eyes...for some reason, my brain couldn't register my father's presence. Although my eyes saw him... My brain couldn't.

Everything was surreal and blurry, and cold. The house felt empty, yet full. They gave me a sad stare until I turned around and went back into my room, where I would bury myself in music and attempt to sleep.

Nothing went through my brain. No thoughts. No emotions. Nothing. I felt nothing, except for the colour draining from my face. Except for my heart beating slowly. Except for my lungs, slowly filling themselves with the stuffy air in my room.
I felt nothing.

I had blocked out the world - reality, by closing the door, earphones in my ears, Billie Eilish on blast, and emotions on pause. At that moment there was no right or wrong. No reality or fiction. No truth or lie. At that moment, at that time, it was only me, myself, and I.

Hours went by and the sun started to rise, but still, I feel nothing. The house started to fill up with family and friends, everyone shedding their own tears, giving their own condolences. At that moment, I realized this couldn't have been a dream.

My mother came in to check up on me. Still, I had Billie in my ears. She leaned in to hug me and that's when it all came crumbling down! Once I started crying I couldn't stop. As much as I tried, I couldn't find a way. I got louder and louder with every backstroke she used to console me.

With all my tears, I still couldn't feel the pain. It was as if my brain had not yet registered the reality of things...or perhaps it didn't want to register the reality of things.

Once I had the courage to stop crying, I fell to my bed and tried to sleep. My mother left my room and once that door closed, tears came flowing down like a river, and still...I had music in my ears and the feeling of fear and pain wasn't there.

What felt like hours went by and I finally decided to get out of bed, open my windows, make my bed, wash my face and get dressed. I could hear my aunt come in. Her eyes were as red as roses and mine were as puffy as the clouds.

We looked into each other's eyes and realized we were both tired of crying at that moment. It took us a good second to come back to Earth and hug each other. No words from me but I could remember my aunt whisper in my ear "Askies Nana"- which, in English, means "Sorry baby".

That day was a blur. A vague, surreal memory. All I remember thinking was "This cannot be happening". As the house got flooded with guests, I started to fade more and more away. I remember my sister coming into my room, but, that's all. I don't remember what we spoke about, I don't remember seeing her the rest of the day...in fact, I don't remember seeing anyone for the rest of that day.

It was as if no one was truly there...