Across From Me

Twenty Five

Laughing, apparently, but it was the sort of laughter from someone who couldn't believe it, "Are you serious right now? Am I angry?" He repeated, his laughter gradually getting less humorous, "Of course I am." He finished, his laughter stopping completely.

Clementine stayed silent, watching Ezekiel run his hand through his hair. His face was flare red, as it usually got when he was angry. Clementine wanted to say something, maybe to explain, "I know what it seems like and it's not like I'm trying to ignore what happened. But I wanted to apologize to you," She said, hoping maybe it would settle things down.

It did the opposite, and Ezekiel was angry, "What do you even mean by that? After all that time, waiting for you to come back to us, admit to me you were wrong," He took a breath, "And now I'm standing here outside of a store, finally having gotten over the damage you caused, and now you want to apologize to me? Just stop already," He sounded defeated, and Clementine felt the same way as him.

"I just wanted to be able to apologize. I wanted you to understand that-" Clementine began.

But she was cut off, "You don't have the right to apologize to me," He snarled, "Not after everything you did. Not after you hadn't done a thing to earn my forgiveness."

Clementine felt frustrated now, wringing her hands and speaking with a strained voice, "Well I don't know what you want me to do! I just wanted to say I'm sorry!" 

Ezekiel shook his head, now responding with the same type of frustration, "I want you to apologize to me not because you felt bad about being in the position I once was," He spat, "Don't forget that you were the one who put me there, who exposed to everyone who I was and then I got bullied for it and guess what you never did a damn thing and now that you're in the same position you want to say you're sorry? It's just-"

"I know what I did!" Clementine shouted, "But don't you dare assume the reason I want to apologize is because of what's been happening to me!" Maybe there was a burning in her eyes, a lump in her throat, but it was in her best interest to ignore it, "I spent so long regretting what I did, okay? And now I just want to make amends for what I did. I just don't know how to make that better for you," She breathed, on the verge of tears.

And then there was silence.

Clementine had not looked up, she didn't want to see his face because she was afraid of what she would see. When she finally gathered the courage to meet his eyes though, she could see he was just as sad and regretful as she was, but for different reasons.

"What do I want you to do, Clementine?" He said, "I want you to be sorry for how long I spent waiting for you to come back. I want you to be sorry for how many days I would spend alone, waiting for a text or a call. I want you to feel sorry for the isolation I experienced, the rude, downright disgusting comments. I want you to feel sorry for exposing my relationship to the entire school after you knew and comforted me on my insecurities with my sexuality and relationship, all because you wanted to have some scrap of reputation. All from people who never gave a shit about you!" He had not a scrap left of strength in his voice, only broken pride that was left when the two of them stopped being friends.

Clementine knew the things she had done. Knew how much they had hurt Ezekiel and Adrian. But she never confronted it because it was easier to pretend that it never happened than to face that she had done an awful thing. And Clementine realized how long ago she should have apologized. Ezekiel was right, she was a coward. The real reason she had done this was to make herself feel better and not to resolve any of Ezekiel's feelings. She had done this for selfish reasons.

She let him continue speaking, "And when I needed you, you left me. When all of us needed you, you left us. You never realized how important you were to us, did you? All of us were like pieces to a puzzle, each of us serving our own job, but because we were small pieces that didn't mean we were any less important. Like the rest of my friends, you meant the world to me. And you threw it away for popularity points."

Clementine had nothing to say, only let the weight of his words rest on her shoulders, and consume her mind, bringing forward every regret, every horrid dream that haunted her, and she only had the strength to be able to say, 

"I'm so sorry."

Clementine had forgotten about pride, freely wiping tears from the corners of her eyes. She had been questioning her morals, and her ability to be a good person. She remembered being Clem, the old one, who always helped and was always easy to talk to. She saw that person as someone who was already so different that she couldn't imagine that once being her. And that was the person she chose to leave behind, she couldn't understand why.

"I really am," She continued, "And you were completely right. I was here to make myself feel better, not to actually apologize to you. But you deserved better than the way I treated you," She sniffled, looking at her chipped nail polish, "You and Adrian and Holly and Jason and the rest of them deserved so much better than being left behind and I really am sorry about everything I did," Clementine was spilling out her heart, and yet, Ezekiel still didn't look satisfied.

He shook his head, "I know Adrian forgave you. He told me yesterday about it. And I know that might be the reason you're here now. But I am not Adrian. I just don't respect you anymore," He said every word with venom and anger, and even as Clementine tried to understand his point of view, her frustration grew, "But I don't believe you're here for any other reason than to make yourself feel better about what you did. I will never forgive you."

Clementine had her hands clenched at her sides. She opted to say nothing this time. It was obvious the conversation was over. She didn't bother to watch Ezekiel walk away. It didn't matter anyway. Clementine had tried but it wasn't enough to make up for turning on him, and this time, she would let it be.

She had done what she came there to do. Maybe she could finally move on from what happened. But there was a considerable weight that was gone that Clementine hadn't even noticed was there before. Maybe she hadn't been forgiven, but she did apologize, and she had meant it, even if Ezekiel hadn't believed her.

Clementine wanted to be a better person. A better friend to Beth. A better sister. A better daughter. But no matter how hard she tried to be perfect, no matter how hard she tried to make amends it never worked. But now, Clementine was fine with that. She wasn't ever going to be perfect enough, her apologies weren't ever going to be sincere enough. Maybe one day Ezekiel and her can look back on what happened and understand each other. But as of today, it wasn't going to happen.

The only thing Clementine could do was be better. And she wanted to be the best she could be.