𝙆𝙖𝙞𝙨𝙚𝙧 '𝙨 𝙍𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙣𝙜𝙚

3

"You think i'm crazy ma"? i asked

"Yes baby i think you're crazy. You have many mental issues and disorders and you don't do anything to fix them"

"How imma fix it ? i'm fucked up for the rest of my life i can't do shit about this" i said

"You're not fucked up, just believe"

"Believe in fucking what"?! i asked getting irritated

"Do you know .. your sister is scared to come around you"?

"Yeah, she umm— i asked her if she wanted to come see you. She said no because she's scared you might snap and she's scared of what you gone do when you snap"

I got two other siblings. One dead and one living

My brother died a while back

He was being billed in school and killed himself

It fucked me up because i never noticed something was wrong

I was in the house one day and i heard a thud

I went to see what it was and i saw him on the ground having a seizure

He had OD'd on my medicine. That's part of the reason i don't take it anymore

Since i got a bunch of mental disorders i always been prescribed medication

He found some and he took it to OD

I didn't know what to do, so i sat on the ground with him until momma came home

He had wrote a letter telling us why he did it and that he was sorry for doing it

He said how he liked this girl. She was a cheerleader and she was so pretty and popular and shit. He said how her bf found out about his crush on her and him along with the cheerleaders and his friends was bullying him

He said the girl rejected him in front of everybody etc etc

That's really how my dislike for cheerleaders grew

I never liked cheerleaders before that

I used to get bullied by them too in middle school but my looks grew in bout time i hit high school so by then they all wanted me

I never really paid they any mind. I was more attracted to the smart, nice girls

My momma use to tell me i like them type of girls because all i wanted to do was fuck them up in the head

Me and her got a love hate relationship. More so love on her part, i hate talking to this mf cause she always tryna make me seem crazy

"Where she at"?

"She in the car"

I walked outside and walked to the car where my sister was

She was in the car crying

She looked at me and i looked at her

I wanna be that normal person who has feelings and empathy but i'm not

I don't know what to do when shit like this happen

I walked away and walked back in the house

"Please don't hurt yourself baby" my momma said wiping her eyes

I had a long long .. long history of trying to kill myself

At first it was because i really wanted to leave but it came to a point i did it because i liked the way it felt

I stopped .. i haven't attempted to in like 6 months.