Across From Me

Twenty Four

Alright, come to the window and let's talk, Beth had said.

Clementine pushed her weak body up to sit. The shakiness had only gotten worse and Clementine found herself regretting the choice of texting Beth. She knew Beth, but she was also afraid of the idea of bothering her when she should be sleeping or was sleeping. Clementine felt like she might have been ruining everything, or just annoying Beth. Over and over she tried to tell herself her mind was making her doubt herself, but the pit in her stomach only got deeper and deeper until-

There was tapping at her window.

Clementine knew who it was immediately, but she didn't want to get up. Her legs shook and she felt nausea coming back. She got up anyway, pushed back the curtains, and opened her window to the cold night air. She saw the familiar face of Elizabeth staring back at her. Beth looked wide awake, alert. Like she hadn't even been sleeping.

"You alright?" She said, looking with concern at Clementine, "You usually don't text me this late, or this urgently," From the look on Beth's face, she knew something was wrong.

Clementine felt stupid. She felt like she made a big deal out of nothing when she had had this dream a thousand times before. But this time it almost felt differently. Like her self doubts were coming back to haunt her again. They didn't want to be her friend, and neither did Beth. That's what her insecurities told her. But the logic in her mind knew it wasn't true. But doubt was a powerful weapon against the mind.

But Elizabeth wasn't like the friends who betrayed her trust, who left her behind. Ezekiel wasn't either. Adrian wasn't even close. They had proven time and time again to be worthy of her trust but Clementine couldn't truly open up, not anymore. Elizabeth deserved an explanation, especially since Clementine saw she freaked her out. But this time she couldn't. Not yet.

Clementine didn't bother to smile, since she knew Beth wouldn't believe it anyway, "I'm alright, I think. I'm just..." She trailed off, not knowing how to put it into words, "Struggling with the past I guess," Clementine didn't say anything more, and Beth understood.

Beth sighed, staring down at her intertwined fingers, "Yeah, I get that. The past hasn't been kind to me lately either," And in her voice was a sort of pain that Clementine deeply understood. It was the want to move forward and forget, but not being able to.

Clementine didn't so easily forget about Ezekiel and Adrian, nor the others that she bonded so closely with. In all honesty, the months after she left them behind were some of the loneliest months that she had ever experienced. But it was a different type of loneliness compared to the loneliness she experienced when she lost all of her friends a second time. The first time, after she lost Ezekiel and Adrian, she knew what it felt like to be completely alone in a group full of people. To not understand what it felt like to feel fulfilled with people.

With Beth, she felt not so lonely anymore. She felt comfortable and happy. But the others were different, so many people she loved and enjoyed hanging around. Clementine desperately wished to be part of a group, not just another forgettable face with people who would end up being nobodies.

Clementine just wanted to laugh like she used to.

"Sometimes I wish I didn't have the past to compare what I feel now to," Beth said, voice far off and dreamy. Clementine knew that Beth had her own secrets, and that was understandable, but the two of them never felt the need to share, only felt they needed to see and lift each other up, as well as feel the feelings that were necessary.

"Maybe it's better to have some memories of the past so we can be appreciative of what we have now," Clementine replied, and Beth gave her a small smile.

Memories of the past. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad. But all of them carry to the present. Clementine didn't want to be controlled by it, only wanted to learn from it but how was she supposed to learn from it when the only thing she wanted back was the happy days in the past. Clementine lived in old memories when things weren't so hard. Even the darker ones came back to haunt her at night. It seemed she couldn't escape the past and the past wouldn't leave her.

But Clementine so desperately wanted the feeling of the past back, the false feeling that is only fabricated by the mind. Something to hold on to. But one day, when Clementine finally looks back on the nights she spent at the window or the nightmares or the regrets, she can be proud she made it through. Maybe one day, the feelings now will just be the past.

Ezekiel. Adrian. Celine. Elizabeth. Each one of them in one way has impacted her. Beth was here and now, and Clementine hoped she wouldn't leave. Celine was once her good friend, someone she could trust, but like everyone, they split up. Adrian forgave her despite the history they had, despite the fact she betrayed him. Forgiveness is a funny thing.

And Ezekiel?

Ezekiel was only a little older than her, but in her mind, he became a mentor. Always overflowing with kindness and patience for others. To Clementine, she saw him as one of those people, those one in a million people who always seem to be the kindest. She would spend hours hanging out with him, either on a call or in person, and they would talk about anything. The happiest memories Clementine has are just hanging out with Ezekiel and the rest of their friends, late on a Friday afternoon.

She had missed him the most out of everyone. On the days that Clementine really struggled she thought about happier days with her old friends. How much she missed it, and how much she wanted it back. Every sad day, she clung to those memories. But one day she would have to let them go. She didn't want the past to haunt her anymore. Even the good ones, the ones that would comfort her on the dark days.

Clementine looked at Elizabeth again, and she saw the girl spacing out, her eyes unfocused, staring at the night sky and beyond. Clementine wished to make new memories, in space of the old ones she needed to let go of. But she knew she had to do something in order to truly let go.

"We should really be heading to bed," Clementine said, seemingly startling Beth, who snapped back to reality. Beth nodded, rubbing her eyes.

Beth moved to close the curtains, "Yeah we should. See you tomorrow I guess. Good night," She laughed as she said the last part, which made Clementine smile. She waved at Beth as she closed the curtains, before moving to close her own.

Clementine sat down on her bed, hugging her knees, staring at the floor. She wondered if it really was a good idea. But she wanted some sort of closure from the past. To be able to apologize to Ezekiel. She knew Ezekiel deserved it just as much, and hopefully, he would be able to get some closure from it as well.

Clementine still had his number saved, and he never blocked her number. Only old conversations that Clementine would occasionally come and look at when she felt regret starting to poke at her once again.

Clementine stared at the name, the contact photo. It brought her back again, the past, on late nights, always came back. But as she hit the message button she hoped maybe this time, she could try to close the door on it a little. To see this to the end. And maybe the past wouldn't haunt her, but only be a reminder, a lesson of the things she once lost.

But she wasn't even sure Ezekiel would want to see her face. She only hoped she would have the opportunity to tell him her apologies.