Smile On His Lips and Cuts On His Hips (Jalex)

Thirty Nine - Dragged Down

But we both, because of whatever inescapable idea or inner beliefs, were positive that self-harming would ultimately destroy instead of aid us, and continually tried to  convince the other that, while it relieved internal evils, it should never be done. 

It really is insane, how we all do anything to keep others together while letting ourselves be a fucking mutilated disaster.  

So it was obvious to me that the worst possible thing Alex could do in that instant was cut. He wouldn't have texted me that if it wasn't bad; he rarely mentioned crappy occurrences until after they ended, so it was now my responsibility to make him feel better, or, if nothing else, ok enough to leave sharp edges alone. 

Alex: Nothing

Alex: Nothing happened

Alex: Nothing ever does

Alex: My parents are ignoring me but they always do that and I should be fucking used to it by now and I shouldn't care but I still do because they're supposed to love me, they're my family, and I don't understand why they don't and it fucking hurts and I'm an idiot because it still makes me feel like crap even though it's always been like this

Alex: I don't wanna feel like this anymore

The clear means to feel something else went unsaid.

Alex didn't mention his family often. He seemed to be attempting to convince himself that their disinterest in him was irrelevant by acting like it was, which hadn't been and never would be successful. Faking an emotion doesn't make it real. 

What he had related to me, though, either in a nonchalant voice or deranged messages, was that his parents had loved each other, seen everyone else with kids and believed it to be the obvious future of their relationship, had him a couple years after their wedding, and quickly got sick of having a noisy baby controlling their lives. From then on, it was daycare and premature independence for Alex, his parents providing everything for him but emotional investment. 

And it wasn't surprising that this had fucked him up. Though I sometimes despised my dad and didn't like being around my mom because her recurring despondency was depressing, they loved me and did things for me not only because of their obligation to do so, but because they gave a crap about making me happy (although I was anything but). Even though I always assumed that people were lying when they complimented me or said they cared about me; I could only imagine how having your family, who are meant to love you unconditionally, be indifferent to you would damage you.

Alex had friends and intelligence and everything vital for life and me, if I could considered an upside, but his opinion of himself had been fucked since his parents realized that having a kid was something they had felt required to do and not actually wanted. Living happily was taxing when you'd been taught not to value yourself by those whose duty it is to appreciate you the most.  

My eyes briefly slid over to my sister, ensuring that she didn't notice anything unusual about my current state, my shoulders slumping inwards and knees bending towards my chest as I typed a response, anxious fingers making countless errors. 

Me: Alex, your parents being assholes that don't appreciate you doesn't make you any less of a great person. You know that how other people treat you doesn't determine your worth, and please, please babe, don't hurt yourself. It's not worth it in the long run, it never is, just put on some loud music and listen closely and try to get out of your head.

Me: I get that probably nothing seems appealing, but doing absolutely nothing and just thinking is always the worst option. And you're fucking awesome, yeah? Got nothing real to feel crappy about.