Y/n Odinsdottir

Chapter Forty-Two

*y/n pov*
Steve and I found some of the others in the living room, including my brothers.
"How'd it go?" Loki asked when he saw us.
I held up my hand, holding Steve's, and I pulled a fake smile across my face.
I wasn't happy about this. Sure I liked Steve, but it didn't mean I wanted to lose Bucky. I don't know where he went or when he would come back.
"You were quick to decide" Tony remarked.
"Mhm. It's like the decision was already made for me" I nodded.
"What do you mean by that?" Tony wondered.
"Oh nothing. It just means my choice was clear. I love Steve."
"But you also love Bucky?"
"But I'm with Steve. I love him. He loves me. I don't think Bucky does."
"You sure about that?"
"Positive."
That's a lie. I know Bucky still loves me. But they can't know that.
"So you two..." Nat grinned. "That's great! That you're still together."
"Nothing can keep us apart" Steve smiled, and he turned to face me. "Y/n I love you so much."
"I love you too Steve."
His grip on my hands suddenly got tighter all of a sudden and his smile grew wider.
"I never want to lose you. And now you remember everything, and you have chosen me, I don't want to risk losing you again..."
Steve bent down.
Shit. 
Shit. 
Shit.
"Our time together has meant everything to me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
Steve don't you say it...
"Y/n Odinsdottir, will you marry me?"
All eyes were burning into my skin.
Why the fuck did he have to do this?
Sure I've known him for 100 years, but we've only been dating for just over a month.
I guess I did love him. I do.
But if I say yes, it makes my decision final. And I don't think I'm ready for that.
I have only remembered for about 10 minutes.
I need time to process everything.
And I am definitely not ready to make this kind of commitment.
"Y/n?" Steve asked.
I realised it had been about a minute of silence.
I was sweating all over.
Steve was still on his knee, presenting the ring.   
Everyone was still looking at me. 
I couldn't do it.
It was too much.
I wish there was some way I could just... pass out.
Avoid it all.
Then I had an idea.
I quickly looked at Loki, making eye contact for a brief second. I trusted - hoped - he would understand.
Then I put my hand on my head, and I put myself to sleep.
———
"Y/n! Y/n! Wake up!"
Someone was vigorously shaking my shoulders.
I opened my eyes to see a face leaning close over mine.
"Bucky?" I whispered.
"Come on doll. Get up." 
"No. I'm too tired" I mumbled as I rolled over in bed.
"I know" Bucky smiled and pulled the covers back.
I rolled over to look at him, and I couldn't help smiling at the sight of his face in front of me. 
"That smile is adorable" Bucky muttered, and leaned down close to my face. He kissed me gently on the lips then pulled away.
"Where's Steve?" I asked.
"Waiting for us. In the kitchen."
"Oh shit."
"Come on. Let's go."
Bucky grabbed my hand and pulled me out of bed.
He led me to the kitchen.
We were still in the compound. But no one else seemed to be around.
Steve was leaning against the doorway of the kitchen.
"Finally" he sighed.
We walked into the kitchen.
Bucky sat in a chair, kicking his legs up onto the table.
Steve leant against the fridge.
I hopped up onto the kitchen counter, facing them both.
"So..." I said, breaking the awkward silence.
"You need to choose, doll" Bucky said.
"Me or him?" Steve added.
"Please don't make me do this" I begged.
"Come on y/n" Bucky got up from his chair and walked over to me. He held my cheek in his metal hand. "You know you want to choose me."
He pulled my face in and kissed me. Then he stepped away.
Steve came over next.
"You're my girlfriend y/n. I love you" Steve whispered in my ear, and kissed my cheek.
"I..."
Steve cut me off as his lips crashed down on mine.
We kissed for a moment, before I pushed him away.
"Choose" Bucky said.
I looked at him, then at Steve.
"Choose" Steve repeated.
"I can't."
"We'll both leave doll" Bucky warned.
"Then you'll be alone" Steve sneered.
"You'll lose both of us."
"Is that what you want?"
"No. Of course not..." I cried.
"Then choose" Steve said.
I sat staring at them both, standing in front of me.
They were both holding onto one of my hands. 
They seemed moments away from letting go.
———  
I sat up quickly in bed.
"God! Took you long enough!" I cried.
Loki stood next to me, laughing.
"We had to get you back to your room. And get rid of Steve. I thought that's what you wanted?" Loki chuckled.
"Yes. Thank you."
"Seriously y/n?" Thor sighed. "You can't just do that to yourself. It's dangerous!"
"I thought it was hilarious" Loki admitted. "He was so sad."
"That's not funny" Thor said.
"Ugh. I just needed time to think" I moaned.
I felt sorry for Steve, obviously. But I couldn't say yes to his proposal. I also couldn't say no.
"So where is Steve now?" I wondered.
"He went off sulking" Loki smirked. "He is super bummed."
"Shit" I sighed and lay back on my bed.
"Honestly y/n, I think just saying no would have been less harsh than that" Thor said.
"Yeah. That was brutal. You'd rather put yourself in danger than marry him. Hilarious" Loki was finding it very amusing.
"Will you shut up!" I yelled.
"Okay. I'm sorry" Loki sighed and sat next to me on the bed. "So what are you gonna do?"
"Ugh I don't know!" I cried and pulled my knees up to my chest. Loki put his arm around me.
"You'll figure it out" Thor assured as he sat on my other side and put his arm around me too.
"Personally, I think you should choose Bucky. You seem happier with him" Loki inputted.
"Really?" Thor questioned. "I prefer the Captain so much better. He's more good-hearted. He didn't try to kill you." 
"Okay but Bucky seems to treat her better. And you're more comfortable with him. You seem sort of stiff when you're with Steve."
"Steve is so caring. He bought you that necklace you were wearing at the last party, didn't he? He also saved you when Loki was trashing New York."
"Any excuse to bring that up and make me look like the bad guy."
"You kinda were."
"Okay off topic."
"Right."
"Bucky has protected you. Even when you weren't together. He's always there for you."
"Steve can protect you. He's strong. He's fast. He's an avenger."
"Bucky can protect you too. He would fight for you..."
"Okay enough! This isn't helping" I cried. "What do I do now? About Steve?"
"Say yes" Thor said.
"Say no" Loki spoke at the same time.   
"UGH!"
I banged my forehead on Loki's shoulder.
"I hate this" I mumbled.
"I'm sorry" Loki sighed.
"Okay" I sat up. "I just have to go out there and face Steve."
"What are you going to say?"
"I still don't know. But I'm not figuring it out sitting here."
I got out of bed and marched towards the door. I swung it open and walked outside.
I spotted Steve at the end of the hallway, and walked right back into my room.
"What's wrong?" Thor asked.
"Steve's out there."
"Yes. And you were going to talk to him" Loki unhelpfully reminded me.
"Hmmmm. I don't want to yet."
"Y/n?" Steve knocked on my door.
"I don't think you have a choice" Loki smirked.
I rolled my eyes at him and turned back to face the door.
I opened it and smiled at Steve.
"Hi Steve."
"Hi... can we talk? In private?"
He was looking over my shoulder at my brothers on my bed, so I stepped out my room and shut the door behind me.
"Steve I'm so sorry. That was a really shitty way of saying no."
"Yes it was."
"It's not that I wanted to say no. I just didn't really want to say yes either."
"No I understand. I asked way too soon."
"Yeah. I'm just not ready."
"Mhm. You've been through a lot. I get it."
"But it's not just that. As disgusting as it sounds, I'm a princess, so marriage would be really messy for both of us. I also live for a lot longer than you."
Hopefully that excuse works, I thought. It was true to be fair.
"That makes sense, I guess. So do you think you'll ever get married?"
"I don't know. I'm not sure if I want to. I'm sorry, Steve."
"That's okay. I don't have to get married." 
"But I feel like you want to. And I don't want to be the reason you're not happy."
"Y/n I love you. If I'm with you, I'm happy."
"Thank you."
"Y-You're welcome."
Shit. Why did I say thank you?
"Steve look I know I made my choice..."
"You're reconsidering."
"I'm sorry. I just need a bit of time."
"Fine. I'll be in my room when you decide."
"Steve. It might take longer than a couple hours."
He nodded, but didn't say anything.
"I'm really sorry about this. I wish it wasn't this complicated." 
"Me too" Steve sighed and walked off.
I stepped back into my room and shut the door behind me. I leant back against it and looked at my brothers.
"How did it go?" Thor wondered.
"Did you break his heart?" Loki grinned.
I went to climb in between them again.
"I really really hate this."