Random oneshots

Unsocializing

What happened to me?

I used to be so happy. Living life without a care in the world.
Surrounded by friends. Always having someone to talk to. Always knowing what to say to someone.

But then, in my seventh grade, covid hit. And it hit hard.

Medically.
Economically.
Politically.
Socially.

I spent half of my school year at home. Away from everyone else.
I got two new dogs and for the longest time, they were all I needed. 

Then, eighth grade came along, and was starting to ease back into normal life. First semester; in person. Still the same friends I've always had. No room for anything new. 

Second semester; online. My brother has a heart condition and we don't want to risk anything. Covid isn't going away. 

I didn't mind online school. It was harder to get distracted when my friends weren't around me all the time and I got amazing grades. Although orchestra was hard to do from home so I just didn't do it. My teacher didn't have to know. 

The only people I talked to were my two best friends, my boyfriend and two others here and there. My boyfriend and I broke up in March while I was on spring break. Big whoop. 

I didn't hang out with people like I used to, and I didn't realize what would happen because of it.

My freshman year comes along.
All in person.

This goddamn covid still hasn't gone away. 

I walk into school and the only people there for me anymore were two people. One was one of the two bestfriends I would talk to, and the other was someone that I hadn't talked to in who knows how long but I'm still friends with them. The only class I had with either of them was PE. Another big whoop. 

As I go through my first few weeks of school I notice something. I don't know how to talk to people anymore. I used to be able to make friends right after meeting someone but what do you say to people anymore? 

How do you start a conversation. 

What do kids my age even talk about?

I don't have social media.
I don't really keep up with the trends or anything.
I don't do cheer.
I don't do dance.
I don't do any kind of sport.
I'm not interested in boys or just dating in general.
I don't want to do drink alcohol.
I'm not interested in drugs.
And don't want to be popular which seems to be the only option nowadays. 

I'm the personified version of the color beige. 

I like anime, if that counts for anything. 

And soon, I learn that it does.

I see the kids walking around everywhere with dyed hair, anime merch and clothes from hot topic. 

To others, they see the "emo" kids. They don't know what emo means. They haven't met these people. And neither have I.

Yet.

There's one in particular that stand out to me. He's tall with dyed red hair. He stands out wonderfully from a crowd. 

Oh god, I want to be his friend.
But I don't know how to talk to him. 

He's in my PE class, and my best friend has already friended him which is a huge help. She's showed me his art and holy hell it is spectacular. 

During PE she hangs around his group of friends that he's already formed and I tag along because I'm Allie's friend to them. 

I listen to their conversation and internally abuse myself for not joining in on them. 

But what do I expect?
I don't know how to join in on conversations. 
And to go even further, I just don't know how to talk to people.

Then something happened that rattled me to my core.

I sat completely alone in my first hour. 

This had never happened to me before.

I sat down at a table with one other person and they moved tables leaving me by myself.
I tried so hard to hold back tears.
Nothing had ever been so, "you don't have any friends," in my face before.

Now, I know that people have had it way worse (in the terms of socializing). Some people live their childhoods sitting alone at school. 

But this was completely new to me and it hurt so bad because I had never ever in my whole life been this bad at making friends, and I felt completely helpless.

I felt weird.
I felt freakish.
I felt abnormal.

Like I could never be able to make friends again because of how formally I find myself speaking out of nowhere or how I view the world way differently than it seems most of my peers do. 

Fitting in isn't something I desire, but I also don't want to be too estranged from the world.

Eventually, I was able to ease myself into a friendship with the tall red haired dude. His name is Finn. He may be one of the kindest people I know. My friendship with him introduced me to many of my new friends and I learn that once I learn enough about someone, I can hold a pretty good conversation with them. A few months, and a drastic haircut later, I start finding myself branching off and making new friends without help. 

It's not like I'm making friends left and right, but I have a good handful of friends that I didn't meet through Finn and I couldn't be happier. 

Although... often, when I'm laying in my bed, all alone, and I see the pictures my friends send on our discord server of them all hanging out together. I feel lonely, and jealous, and I get mad at myself for not trying to hang out with them outside of school very much. 

But, at the same time, my social battery can only hold about 25% of what it used to, and I feel myself needing to withdraw often. 

Moral of the story is;
Being a teenager is fucking hard
and
FUCK YOU COVID.