Without Her

chapter 36 - without her

I remember Kimberly being there, her tall figure was hovering around when I slid down on the floor. 

She must have looked after her. 

Her.

She doesn't even have a name yet. 

We were supposed to do that together, Tess.

Together.

~

"It's gonna be okay Tess, she's fine, you're fine"  I had assured my wife, who silently nodded in my direction as the tears constantly flooded down her eyes to the sides of her forehead.

I knew I was lying to her, the doctor gave me a shake of the head saying that it was all gonna go downhill from now. 

I was lying to myself when I chose to ignore the doctor's signal.

My eyes dreadfully watched as her oxygen levels dropped continually, the hushed murmurs of the professionals ringed through, their voices filled with tension and regret already. 

I was trying so hard to ignore the signs because I was convinced she would be fine. 

"Hardin listen" she wheezed, her voice getting choked in the back of her throat as my shaky hand merely wiped her wet face and pushed her hair back. 

I bent down to kiss her forehead, but a force pulled me back, and my hand slipped out of her hand that she was too weak to hold onto. 

"Mr. Scott, I'm sorry but you have to exit the room" someone in scrubs had demanded, and my brain was too numb to fight back.

I had opened my mouth to shout and tell them I wasn't going anywhere, but I stood there like a corpse and let someone throw me out of the room, my eyes refusing to leave her glowing yet awfully weak body till the door blocked my sight. 

She wanted to say something. 

I could never hear it.

~

"Hardin"

A push on my shoulder woke me up from the passed-out state I was in, and I try to adjust to my sight, my throbbing head contradicting my thoughts. 

"Yeah?" I manage to whisper, responding to the voice who called out for me.

"You need to sign here" Nora's soft voice speaks, her hand raising a pen for me as she held a clipboard in her other hand.

"What is it?" my voice is so low, it's barely even audible, and I take a deep breath moving my hands on my face, trying to wipe off the tiredness. 

She doesn't respond, swallowing a sob of her own as she hands me the board. My strained eyes try to read with the black spots that invade my vision.

Pronouncement of Death. 

Immediately returning the clipboard to her, I stand up on my feet and try to get my breathing stable as my chest tightens, again and again, making me feel suffocated and terrified. 

"Hardin" Nora's muffled voice called me, and I waved my hand at her brushing her off as the sharp ringing sound in my ears had begun once again, this time louder than ever. 

I need Tessa. 

My Tessa was the air I breathed. 

And now I'm not able to find it anymore. 

"You're fine, Hardin"

Her voice ushered in my ear and I looked up, turning my head trying to find her but met with the sad dim walls of the hospital. 

I can't do this. 

I just cannot breathe without her.  

"It's okay, I'm here"

"You're not! You're not"

Not here. Not anywhere. 

It's terrifying now. The world, this hospital. Living; it's all scary, impossible, without her.

"Hardin Scott?" a woman in scrubs, whom I recognized from somewhere, approaches me and I feel the need to shove everyone out of my way. 

Ignoring her, I continue slowly walking outside to wherever this hallway is leading me.

"Mr. Scott, this-- this note"

Note. 

That word makes me stop in my track and I turn around to face her. 

"She had asked me to fetch it from her room and pass it to you" she hands me a folded paper, and I suck in a deep breath before opening it. 

My punctured heart already starts bleeding when my eyes fall on her handwriting. 

Dear Hardin,

I hope this day never comes when someone in scrubs hands you this note. But oh well, got to prepare for everything. 

I know you are not in your senses right now, you are not able to think or breathe, I know. 

As I write this letter, even I am sobbing my heart out knowing I am not there with you as you read this. I didn't want to give up, but somewhere deep down I already had. 

I also know you're really mad at me, and you think I could have stayed stronger. But I want you to know I tried. I tried my best, and I did fight, for you, and for our little family. 

Let's be honest, I am happier this way, in peace, rather than tolerating the endless pain and the upcoming torture to have our daughter see her mother sick always. 

Please listen to me, I might have said this to you already by now, but you have got to stay strong. For me, okay? And I swear to god if you think of giving up, there would be no one you would disappoint more than me. I have faith in you, and I know you would take care of our family better than anyone ever can. 

Obviously, you're going to miss me, even though you stay annoyed at me right now as I write this letter, I had just broken your phone screen and you were off to go get some air while being upset with me. Also, I'm assuming you'd apologize before we went to sleep since you weren't the one carrying our baby in your uterus. My worth is more than your iPhone I suppose? 

Anyways, if we haven't yet decided on a name, I spare you the misery of naming her something she would not be happy about ahead in her future. I have liked this name for quite a few weeks now, but I wanted to see what would you have come up with, but I'm sure you would too-- Emery. 

Lastly, I want you to take a deep breath. Calm down, and be there for our baby. You cannot abandon her the way I did. You are gonna get your shit together, and be the strong man you are, Hardin Scott. 

I'm with you every step of the way. 

Love, Tess.

 //