Without Her

chapter 12 - I didn't mean it

*a few weeks later*

Tessa's POV:

Living like this is worse than I thought. The constant urge to cough, the chest tightness, and what not. Just doing normal chores makes me so tired and I need to take frequent breaks between my work too.

Every damn day, I am reminded that there's something majorly wrong with me. There's this little voice at the back of my head that keeps beeping on how I am sick, serious sick. I have a disease, I am weak and incapable of living a normal happy life.

There's just too much going on inside my head right now, I zone off talking to anyone or listening to them and they always have to bring me back from my head.

I have been mourning my wish of getting pregnant. It's hard for me to accept that we won't have an offspring. I won't be able to bear any children because even if I do, I won't live to experience parenting. I've had multiple breakdowns for the same reason. I haven't brought this topic up with Hardin yet because he was never serious about kids anyway. I will though, I've been thinking about just letting him know how I feel.

The treatment, we have an appointment with my doctor and he's going to tell us everything about COPD in detail, explain everything and how I'm supposed to live my life apparently.

Hardin has spent so much money on at least 4 hospitals to confirm my disease. My reports, samples and everything have been roaming around. It looks like he's in denial even though he isn't. We don't have many normal days or nights because either I'm not in the correct state of mind, or he isn't. We just chat at dinner and hardly share a laugh.

My job, I haven't been able to concentrate on it too and I hate myself for it.

Hardin's book has been published and he's so in demand right now. I don't want my sickness to disrupt his career so I forced him to attend every conference he's wanted at. He did throw tantrums but he knows it's a big deal for everyone.

It's past 12am and I've been trying to sleep for about an hour now but I just can't. I get up and turn on the apartment's heater. The chilly weather outside is just terrific. I walk into our closet and pull one of Hardin's sweatshirt over my head. It radiates so much comfort, not more than his arms, but it smells and feels like him so it works.

I grab a bottle of wine and a glass, along with Hardin's new book and a thin comforter, and make my way to the living room's couch.

Hardin's POV:

2am. It's fucking 2am and I'm still not home with Tessa. Thank the lord the roads are clear, so I let the car's speed control itself as I press my foot against the accelerator. The sound the engine is making is just thrilling.

She might be asleep till now. I miss her so much, even though I see her everyday it's like I haven't met her in weeks. I was going to put my book on hold for her but she insisted so much that I couldn't win. And I had so many people tied up with this work so I couldn't do that to them too. But I wish I could just spend more time with Tessa. She needs me even though she doesn't make it seem like it.

Not one night goes by without her coughing and wheezing. Even in middle of sleep, I always make sure to comfort her when she's unable to breathe.

Her condition is noticeably getting worse and I fucking don't know what to do. I've taken her reports and everything to more than 4 hospitals but everytime I get the same results.

She really is sick. Just the thought of it makes me want to strangle myself with a rope or drive into a truck or something before I witness her- no, just stop thinking about it dammit.