Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday.
Days passed by and she became more and more comfortable, settling in her routine. The last weekend had really moved her. She let go control of herself after a long while and it only left her mind more scattered. She'd woken up on monday morning with a certain strange glow and energy. It was when she looked at her naked body that she remembered the audacious move she'd made the previous night. It wasn't the first time that she got off thinking about her psychologist. But she had learnt to suppress the urge a long time ago. All the tension, all the anxiety that she had been pushing down came to surface in that weak moment. Her emotions, her helplessness turned into a ball of sexual energy only to burst into shards. She was now prepared to bring the shield back up.
She threw herself into her work. That was one of the few things in her life she could control; her work. She worked longer hours, tiring herself so she could sleep. Having sleepless nights was ordinary for her otherwise. All through her teen years she had spent countless sleepless nights. Locked up in her room, reading books. Page after page. Book after book. She found an escape through reading. It somehow helped her to deny the reality. The reality that her life was a mess. She had gradually drifted away from her parents. There was hurt, there was guilt, there was a feeling of helplessness. She felt empty.
School wasn't easy for her. She hardly made any friends and withdrew from her old friends. She did not want anyone to know about the mess that her family was.
She was eleven. She had participated in a group dance for the annual gathering of her school. She'd worked so hard to impress the dance instruction, teacher and her friends. When other girls took breaks to visit the cafeteria, she stayed back in the rehearsal hall practicing her routines. She would behave well at home, do her homework and even sacrificed her tv time to study for extra hours to please her Mummy and Dadda. All she had asked was for them to attend the function and cheer for her. They'd promised her. Promises were not meant to be broken. It wasn't fair for them to bail out at the last moment.
They had a fight in the afternoon on the day her performance was. Both of them took off. Leaving her alone at home. She was still hoping they would make it in time for her performance. They were her Mummy and Dadda. All her friends' parents were present before time. All parents are supposed love their kids. She knew her Mummy and Dadda would patch up and get there in time. She was waiting backstage, all dressed up. The instructor said they would be called on stage in about two minutes. She was fidgeting with her pink matching necklace, racing up and down the corridors waiting for her parents. All her friends' parents were kissing them good luck. All her friends' mums were fixing their kids' make up and hair-ties. But her Mummy was nowhere in sight.
She heard her group's name announce and that was when she realized they weren't going to turn up, like always. She took off down the stairs. Running. Running till her sides hurt. Tears streaming down her rosy cheeks. She sat on the sidewalk, waiting for her breathing to come under control. Wiping the tears off her face she stood up and walked her way to home, head held low.
May be they had forgotten. People forget things all the time. It's normal. Yes, surely they had forgotten about it.
She did not shed a single tear over it after that. Her Mummy came home by 10 in the night, a bag of Mc.Donald's take away in her hand. They had a quiet dinner. She ate in double speed. Or more like pushed the burger and fries that she once loved down her throat before skipping to her bedroom.
She heard a creak of her bedroom door opening and screwed her eyes shut, pretending to sleep. Her Mummy sat in her bed and pressed a kiss on her flushed cheek before mumbling a Goodnight and leaving the room.
The next day she was teased by her classmates and angry glances were thrown at her. The other girls called her names. She was called by the dance teacher and he scolded her for ruining his show. She listened to everything with her head hung down. It was during recess time that she heard the girls talking about her. One of them said scrunching her face, "She's so selfish. Did not even think about how we would manage missing a team member at the last moment"
The other girl said "I think it's because of her Mummy. I've heard my Mum say that Jess's mum is a maniac. May be Jess herself is turning into a maniac too". She giggled. Another girl said something but was cut mid sentence when she heard something hard crashing on the floor. It was a tiffing box. Thrown from the direction where Jess stood. And it had crashed to the floor before making contact with the girl's face. The little girl let out a shriek as tears started cascading down her red face.
"That's what you get for calling my mum a maniac you little shit"
She was suspended for the next two days and had to write an impostion saying she will behave from now onwards.
The head mistress had called her parents. "Such behaviour will not be acceptable in our school Mrs. Roy. Your daughter threw her tiffin box at Mrs. Doshi's daughter, thank god there was no major injury. And that's not all, she spoke foul language. Your daughter not only is a bad influnence but also a threat to the safety of other students if she keeps up with this aggressive behaviour". Her mother threw a death glare at her.
She was not given dinner that night and her mother refused to hug her goodnight for the entire month.
She did not need it now. She did not need to feel belonged. She was old and strong enough to be sufficient for herself. She did not need to seek love and acceptance from other people. She would not let anyone get the power to hurt her. She had been hurt enough in life and had picked up the shattered shards of her then fragile heart. All on her own. She had fixed it too. Now all she looked forward to was working hard, putting all her energy in her work and driving through the road of life, avoiding the smallest bumps till her last breath. Because she was sure she could not manage another crash.
