She is fidgeting with her finger ring when Deepa calls her name from her desk and gives her a knowing smile as she points to the door. Willing her legs to move she gets up and crosses her way through the foyer. Giving Deepa a small smile on her way she takes a deep breath as she reaches the entrance to Dr. Sinha's cabin and knocks weakly once before pushing through the heavy glass door and entering.
She is struck by the familiarity of this place immediately as she takes in the atmosphere of the room. She wonders how could she have thought she had left all of this behind way back in time! Now that she is here she remembers all her earlier sessions with Vivek. Erm Dr. Vivek Sinha. She remembers her first day here. How nervous and unsure she was. The sea blue paint on the walls, the dim lighting, the exclusive portraits of abstract figures that hung on the walls just like they do now. Back then it all felt so suffocating, it felt like she was caught by a giant wave of the ocean and soon the ocean would swallow her whole. She remembers having fainted on her first session.
The further sessions after that had been a struggle for her. He said they did not exist. They never had! How could he, how dare he tell her that the voices that had been guiding her were not real. The voices that had become the sole reason for her existence. The voices that stayed with her even when everyone walked out on her one by one. It could'nt have been her imagination. No. What had he been thinking when he said that? She wasn't crazy for god's sake.
Realization had slowly seeped in when she had attended the group therapy session. Vivek had coaxed her into it. The others spoke about their experiences and said that their friends, the voices, the smells that surrounded them once were actually not real. They said they had come out of the shackles of unreality and their lives were coming back on track. As difficult as it was for her to admit she did miss her family and friends, now she really saw some hope out of this. She had taught herself to believe in her demons; those voices. She had started to believe that it wasn't those voices but her loved ones who ruined everything.
Delusions he called them. She was getting a grip back on reality said the psychologist with an enthusiastic smile lingering on his lips. And that was when she willed herself to believe in herself and in reality, for herself and for him. As she was slipping out of the claws of her delusions; waking up in the middle of nights, sweating profusely. They kept throwing commands at her, kept trying to guide her. But she refused to move. She couldn't stop herself from hearing them but she refused to listen to them. In the process of elbowing her way out she was getting herself into something else. Something else that she then thought could have been possible. She was young and stupid. And she let herself believe that Vivek felt the same for her. His compassion was mistaken by her as affection and she did a mistake. She fell for her psychologist. It enabled her to see a future for her, with him. She was wrong and realisation when strikes, it strikes hard. That was when she made a silent promise. She promised herself to never let anyone have the power to affect her. She willed herself to be strong enough to never trust anyone abd be self-sufficeint. To never let herself fall in love. She did it all to protect herself.
Now, standing in front of him all of it is playing like a slideshow in front of her eyes.
"Hello Jessica. Please have a seat", his silky voice shakes her out of her thoughts and brings her back to the present. She reminds her feet to move, feet that are now wobbly under the warm stare of the man who affected her so much once. The man who helped her out of the chaos that her life was. She walks to the couch and sits there crossing her right leg over on the left knee, placing her hands on her lap. Her fingers laced with each other, making a criss-cross pattern. She sits straight and looks into his eyes, not allowing him to see through her. See through her complicated self. Her weaknesses. Her insecurities. She cannot give him the satisfaction to know that she is right where he left her three years ago. She greets him formally with a professional smile.
They talk for a while and she tells him how well she is doing. He looks pleased to know but there's a line formed between his brows. He asks her why she called for an appointment in such urgency. She had called his office in the morning after that sleepless night. She was so worried they had come back for her that she was adamant to see her doctor immediately. Dr. Vivek knew her condition had been fragile years ago and how strong she had been to come out of it. They had worked together for almost a year. And he still felt concern for her. The only reason he had withdrawn himself from her was because he had started to realize that she was getting attached to him and he did not want the transference to spoil their therapeutic relationship, they had come a long way and he did not want to ruin it by accepting her proposal. He knew it would make her over dependent on him and that was when he spoke to her about termination. She was out of a problem and knew better than landing her into another. He knew with all those feelings emerging in him for her, he couldn't have been able to help her effectively, also it would have been a violation of the ethics; having a personal relationship with his client. He could not make himself to do that. He wanted to help her. He thought well for her. Hearing from her after so long that morning worried him and he fixed an appointment for Sunday evening. That would give them both time to face each other. Now, seeing her pretending to be happy and content is like something squeezing his heart with a firm grip.
"So, Why did you feel like calling for an appointment today? I'd be happy to help you in any way I can", he says with a gentle, cautious smile. This brings her back to the problem at hand. Her face goes pale and her lower lip is quivering as she says it "I had a dream last night. The same one" his brow furrows at that and he offers her a glass of water. She takes it and downs almost half of it in a single gulp. Fingers still trembling with the revelation she sets the glass on the side table and tries to sit straight. Vivek considers it for a moment and asks her if she has been having the dream or hearing those voices anymore and she confirms that it was only last night after the termination of her sessions with him. He looks slightly relieved and asks her if she's been under any sort of stress lately. She shakes her head at that.
"Sometimes the dreams come back because of stress. You are not hearing the voices which is a good sign and they shouldn't be back. We have left them back. We have already dealt with it. So don't worry Jessica." Relief washes her face. She stills believes every word that comes out of this man's mouth. May be it is becaude he has seen her at her bare state, when she had nothing, no one. And he still stood by her. Until then, a small part in her thinks.
They walk about her work and life in general. Him trying to dig for any innocent stressors that might be disturbing her, and her giving away every detail. It is when she tells him about her date with Sanya and Akash the night before and how good it was and how happy she felt after so long. A strange expression crosses his face before he shakes his head slightly as if dismissing some unwarranted thought and leans forward. He tells her that indulgimg in hobbies might help her take her mind of it. He looks at his watch indicating the end of the session and tells her that he would like to see her sometime in the coming week. They settle for next saturday and bid formal goodbyes.
It is when she is at the door, about to making her way out that he calls after her, "You look good Jessica. It's nice to see you" he says. She nods and scurries out of the cabin while he sits there with his face in his hands.
