the secret diary of a stranger

1. the awkwardness of parties from an introvert's perspective

13 / 02 / 2022, 17:48pm

currently sitting here and thinking about last night. honestly, couldn't feel more embarrassed about myself. socialising with people has always been a struggle and i truly hate myself for that. well, my secret desire has always been to meet as many people as i can, experience new memories that'll last forever, without feeling that whenever i even speak, my throat will be crushed by the knot i feel. i genuinely look like a helpless introverted girl in front of everyone but.. i know that im much more than that. unfortunately, only a few people understand who i really am. i don't know.. i always feel as if my mind and vision are blurred, and everyone looks at me from top to bottom criticizing me for how i look on the outside. maybe its all in my head, my own illusion. you will tell me now "Just because you are shy and an introvert, doesn't mean you aren't a worthwhile person. Your self worth comes from within" well, lies, lies and lies. i just cannot accept that for myself anymore. im the most pessimistic when it comes to me, but i would seriously tell that to someone else who's going through the same situation as mine but.. oh well. can't really help my own self if that makes sense. i doubt if anyone will ever love me for who i really am, if anyone will appreciate my inner and outer world. lame, aren't i? you might think im being imature and annoying. yeah.. i know, so paranoid. i want to stop feeling as if my legs will be cut off, all i want to is to be able to laugh my ass off with people, make mew memories, travel around the world and all that. why is it so fucking hard for me to open up and be my self justfor once. life's too short.. it really is. everyone was so friendly yesterday at that one party anyways. i am the one who destroys me. oh how pathetic.. she is desperate to love someone and recieve the comfort of equally reciprocated love. but at the same time she's mortified of letting someone love her. mortified of being vulnerable with someone. horrified that if she lets you see the way she sees herself, it will drive you away. anxious that you'll look at her like a pitiful charity case because you'll realize she's just drowning in her own head. she will not ask you to feel bad for her. she just needs someone to understand. who willingly stays no possibility the poison seeping into her soul can be fixed. she needs someone who will stay. someone knowing that there is just too much in her head and past that she won't ever get through.. is this too much i ask for? probably..