Beyond The Lamppost

How Rare and Beautiful it is to Even Exist

"I was so horrible to you all." Edmund said. "Even before I betrayed you, I was so mean to you Lucy. How could you forgive me after the way I treated you for years?"

Edmund's voice cracked at the end of the sentence and Lucy had to take a deep breath and force back her tears. If she cried, Edmund would completely shut down and stop talking, just so he wouldn't upset her. That's the last thing Lucy wanted.

"Because I love you, Ed," Lucy said. "It's that simple. I'll admit, it was hard on me. It upset me a lot when you were mean to me. But it was mostly because I missed you. The brother I grew up with, who loved to play with me and read to me and jump in rainy puddles with me. I noticed how sad you were after dad left, and that you began changing. I knew you only missed him, and you were hurting. I was sad and it was hard, but I didn't blame you. And when you went to the Witch..." Lucy stopped for a moment and took a deep breath, thinking about all of her emotions on that day. "I was more scared than anything. All I cared about then, was that you came home alive. I remember thinking that I didn't care if you were mean to me and made me cry every day for the rest of my life. I just wanted you to come home, and be okay. I knew the second I hugged you, and you hugged me back, that you were back. The big brother I'd missed for years was back, and I was so happy. It wasn't hard to forgive you, because I was just so happy that you were alive, and yourself again."

Edmund was staring at a rosebush as Lucy spoke, his face as emotionless as ever, finally he turned to Lucy.

Lucy swallowed hard at the look in his eyes, he was still upset.

"I love you Lucy." Edmund said quietly. "I really do. I am blessed to have a sister so loving, who forgave me without a second of hesitation. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful that Peter and Susan forgave me, and that I'm a king of the country I once betrayed. And Aslan...I'm only alive because of him. Because he saved me. He rescued me from The Witch, and he died so that I could live. But I can't stop thinking about how I didn't deserve it." Edmund shook his head. "I made countless mistakes. Even before I betrayed you all, I treated you so terribly. But, Aslan still loved me enough to die and let me live. Not only did he save my life, he changed it. He knighted me, and made me a king. He put me on the throne next to 3 people who didn't betray their siblings; and actually deserve to rule a country. I don't deserve to. I don't deserve a crown, or a kingdom. I don't deserve all the priceless clothes and expensive food. I don't deserve to live in a castle. I don't deserve to sit in a courtroom and decide if other people are guilty of mistakes, when I'm the guiltiest of them all. Sometimes I think I don't even deserve the breath inside of my lungs. After what I did, I deserve nothing, yet I somehow have everything. How do I live with that?"

Lucy listened intently, and looked at her brother with sad eyes. He never poured his heart out like this. You had to force him to say how he was feeling most of the time, even if he was dying he would say that he was okay. But Lucy could tell that he was struggling, and going through something. He was having a very hard time understanding all this, and Lucy hated to see him so upset. She felt he deserved everything he had and more. But, she understood his feelings, and she knew exactly what to say.

"No, Edmund." Lucy said. "You don't deserve any of it."

Edmund furrowed his eyebrows and turned to face his sister, he certainly didn't expect her to say that. "What?" He said slowly.

"You're right." Lucy continued. "You don't deserve anything you have. You don't deserve a crown or a kingdom or the breath in your lungs. And neither do I, neither do Susan or Peter. All of it is a gift. None of us are perfect, we all make mistakes, Edmund. Even if you feel like you've made the worst mistakes in the world, I promise you haven't. I've messed up just as much. Everyone has. All mistakes are equal in Aslan's eyes. None is worse than the other. And everyone makes mistakes. Everyone falls, everyone fails, everyone says the wrong thing and does the wrong thing. Everyone messes up and doesn't have a clue what they are doing 100% of the time. Because we're all imperfect, none of us deserve the breath in our lungs. We only have it because of grace, mercy, and love. It is the most valuable gift we will ever receive, the gift of a life we don't deserve .So we have to cherish it. Make the most of the time we are given, and the gift of life that we have all received. We have to take the risks, and climb the mountains. Do the things that scare us so badly we want to hide, yet excite us so much that our hearts leap. See the world, change lives, save lives. We have to take full advantage of every single second of life we are given. How rare and beautiful it is, to even exist. So even though we don't deserve anything we have, we have to cherish that it's ours. And that we have been graciously given the gift of life."

As Lucy finished speaking, snowflakes started to fall. Edmund looked up at the sky, and watched them fall one by one, so big and beautiful. They reminded him of how sacred and beautiful life is. When Edmund saw snow, he thought of how it made everything white, and new. The same way he was made new again, by Aslan. And this was exactly what he needed to remember in this moment. He smiled up at the winter night sky, and caught a snowflake on his finger. Thank you.

My beloved, you are worthy of my love. For you have been redeemed and set free through me. Let your worries burden you no longer. I gave you everything you have out of nothing but love. The only thing I wish for in return, is your love.

Edmund took a shaky deep breath. It is yours my king. It is yours forever.

Lucy looked up at the sky and smiled at the falling snow. She loved how Aslan worked in mysterious ways. She caught a snowflake on her tongue, giggling when she did.

Edmund looked over at his sister, smiling at how much joy the snow brought her. "Thank you."

Lucy looked over at him and smiled. "You're welcome."

"I mean it." Edmund said, he looked down at the ground. "I'm not sure I've ever told you how much you mean to me Lucy. But, you mean everything. The advice and comfort you give me, the way you know my mood by nothing more than how I walk, and you always know exactly what to say, no matter how I'm feeling. Everything you do for me means the world to me. You mean the world to me. You are my world, you're my light, and I wouldn't want to exist in this world if you didn't."

Lucy smiled at her brother, and blinked back her tears. "Thank you, Edmund." She sniffled a bit. "I love you, and you mean everything to me too."

Edmund smiled at her. "I love you too, Lu."

Lucy smiled at him before wrapping her arms around him tightly.

Edmund was never much for physical affection, but right now he was. He hugged Lucy back tightly, smiling as he did. This was a moment that he really needed.

The hug lasted about 5 minutes, and each of them smiled at the other as they pulled apart. Both Lucy and Edmund looked up at the sky, watching in silence as the big, beautiful flakes glistened against the starry night sky.

The children were silent as they watched the snowfall for about 15 minutes, before they decided to go home since the snow was getting heavier.

"Edmund?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we make some snow angels before we go?"

Edmund smirked at Lucy. "Oh, absolutely.

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A/N: I wrote this FOREVER AGO but never got it up for some reason 😂 inspired by BooksandFireflies 💕in her Forever Winter one shot Peter says "I don't deserve the breath in my lungs" and then I got this idea! I also have another Peter idea inspired by that one shot which I STILL NEED TO WRITE!!! But check out my lovely friend Jude's writing if you haven't! It's amazing!💖hope y'all enjoyed this and have a lovely day!🥰🌸☀️😘