Lost in the Darkness // Billie Eilish

Part XXII

Perhaps a single week had passed and I had only received two calls.

They were short and I could tell she was in a rush, desperate to fit me into her schedule. Even if it was just for five minutes. But I cherished it.

Sometimes I find myself forgetting people have lives outside of me. I'm not the only one with a busy life. Sure, my life is indifferent and very few people can relate to the specific problems I encounter, but that doesn't mean they aren't struggling with problems of equal difficulty.

In the days since Finneas gave me that wise, little pep talk, I've been thinking. What am I going to do after tour? If I make it the rest of the duration, I mean. I can't just go back to LA and pretend what Emma and I have never happened.

And if I did acknowledge and continue our relationship, I can't do long distance. I just can't.

But I also can't live in Prague with her indefinitely. I love the city, but LA is where my heart resides. In addition to that, I'm not so familiar with the language and the customs. But I'm willing to learn.

The more I think, the more frustrated I become. With frustration, comes sorrow.

I miss her so much and all the time, I can't even enjoy my shows the way I'd like.

Right now, I'm on stage, sitting on a stool, singing when the party's over. It doesn't feel like I'm performing though. My mind is preoccupied, I think words are just spilling out of my mouth without correctly processing them. I'm sure the fans can tell. Finneas too.

I feel horrible.

When I become conscious again, I realize my vision is blurred. My preconceived notions are confirmed when I blink, and stream of tears fall down my face. My voice cracks as I attempt to sing the chorus.

The crowd starts to mumble amongst themselves, I can feel the concerned stares.

I try to compose myself and take a deep breath, but that only ends in sobs.

A wave of embarrassment and disappointment crashes down on me, forcing me to look down and cover my eyes with my hand. Before I know it, I'm ticking back to back without clemency.

"I'm sorry, I can't." I mumble into the mic before fleeing the stage, Finneas following me shortly after.

Once we're out of sight, I turn to him and quickly wrap my arms around him sobbing into his chest. He sets his chin on top of my head and rubs my back in circles.

Some people on the crew, my parents and others from my team start to crowd around me, worry written on their faces.

I shake my head repeatedly, feeling unbearably hopeless. "I can't. I can't do it."

"Do what honey?" My mom places a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"I can't even do my fucking job when we're thousand of miles apart."

I've never felt something even close to what I'm experiencing right now. It's far more than desperation or desire. I need her. I wish there was a way to emphasize it more.

When I sit back and think about it, it makes me sad. Truly. Because I don't know if she feels what I do. It makes me wonder if I'm crazy for liking her so much.

Loving, missing a person you used to spend every waking second with is miserable. It's just...

Miserable.

A sudden silence quiets the room. Nobody says anything for a while.

Finneas' arms drop from around my back and he moves away from me briefly as another set of arms quickly replaces his own. It's like they're taking turns hugging and soothing me. My eyes are still closed and crying relentlessly.

A hand places itself on my head and continuously smooths down my hair. This tender action makes me inhale deeply, releasing the breath rather shakily.

"Billie."

Everything stops. I stop moving, I stop crying, I stop breathing. If it was in my control, my body would've shut down. My mind is blank.

Two cold, but delicate hands move to my face and guide it upwards.

"Billie," she repeats.

A set of tears leak from my eyes but are swiftly wipes away by her thumbs.

Feelings a little dissociated, I look back at my surroundings. Everyone is smiling.

I lock eyes with Finneas specifically. He chuckles gently and shrugs.

"She was supposed to come yesterday, but her flight got canceled. Better late than never, right?"

I turn back around and sure enough, she's truly there. "Emma." There's a bit of amusement found in my hoarse voice.

"Billie," she singsongs. "Miss me?"

I go in for another tight embrace, relief crashing down on me.

"You have no idea."

I pull away eventually and hold her face in my hands, peppering kisses all over her face, making her laugh delightfully. "Mwah, mwah, mwah-"

"God, I absolutely adore you."

I make sure to thank Finneas before telling the rest of them, "I love you all, now go away you fools."

They laugh softly in unison, splitting up.

As Finneas begins to walk back on stage, he says one final remark.

"Oh, and I got you a month off of tour. Practically sold my soul, but I got it. We're pushing all of the upcoming dates back."

Just when I thought life couldn't have gotten better.

I hear Finneas tell the audience something about there being an "intermission" and that I'm okay.

I dwell in Emma's presence for a moment before taking the two of us to sit down somewhere.

"I've missed you. Like a lot."

"I know, Finneas told me." She smiles warmly.

I take a moment before speaking again. "We've been apart for a while now, longer than we've ever been. And I um, I started doubting how you felt about me. In no way is that an attack at you, it's simply because I thought there was wasn't a chance anyone could feel as shitty as I did when away from."

Emma takes one of my hands in both of hers. She looks a little disappointed. "Billie, I spend every morning and every night thinking of you. Even when I'm a work, I wonder what you're doing, how you're feeling, if you've laughed at all that day. I don't tell you when I do, but I cry often. You make me emotional and I'm not one to let my emotions get the best of me. But you have a quality about you that makes you extremely memorable and prized. It makes me a bit sad you might not think I love you as much as you love me. I wouldn't have invited you into my apartment or kissed you or said 'I love you' first if I didn't absolutely adore you."

By the time she's finished talking, I'm crying. But these tears are different from the others. How could you not cry when something like that has been said to you.

My broken heart has been mended.