You Try (Even when the world doesn't want you to|| WayV Lucas Angst

Understand

And again, as he was saying, he could tell the boy crouching in front of him how everything felt like it was going wrong even though it probably wasn't...probably. Xuxi could also say that everything was fine, that he was just tired, and he really was tired, so if he thought about it, it wouldn't even be a complete lie.

The more Xuxi contemplated it, the more appealing the idea became.

Especially when he looked at the concern decorating the other's features. He couldn't bother the other members more than what he already had. He was already such a burden to everyone...they didn't need some simple, little tiredness from someone they shouldn't even care about ruin their day.

Xuxi could and would deal with this, whatever this was alone. Just like he should've been able to do it from the beginning.

So he nodded. Slower than what was probably socially acceptable, maybe a bit stiffer than what he was supposed to, and perhaps it took more effort than it should've, but...but it removed the concerned expression from the other boy's face and that was all that mattered.

"Great!" Xiaojun said with an enthusiasm he hadn't heard in a while, and it was all worth it. He could deal with some pain and tiredness.

Exhaustion- his brain whispered. He shut it down as fast as it came. Xuxi wasn't exhausted, and yeah, maybe he had said that before but that was just him being dramatic and useless, and for heaven's sake, he had lied in bed being completely useless for hours. He had no right to feel anything close to tired.

So he sat up and took Xiaojun's hand with a newfound determination.

...

That was all crushed the second he actually stood up, and the world swayed. If it weren't for the shorter boy's hand guiding him, Xuxi would've probably made a trip to the floor, face first.

He tried to steady himself before actually taking a step, but the floor was spinning, and the walls were drifting, and holy shit he was going to faint.

Xiaojun kept walking, oblivious to his pain, and Xuxi couldn't bring himself to say something for two reasons. One, he wasn't sure he would be able to speak without throwing up. Two, Xiaojun just looked too happy, he couldn't destroy that happiness the way he did everything else.

Not the way he destroyed himself. Not the way he was killing the members and the group, and their reputation. Not the way he was fucking annihilating all the other's hard work, and their happiness in the process.

Not this time, at least, because he always found a way to be a burden later.

He kept walking even though the world kept swaying as if they were at sea. Xuxi gave one step in front of the other towards the dining room because that was the only destination he was apparently able to reach.

Not getting better or being better, or fucking anything that was asked of him. Not eating properly, not working hard, not dancing well, not singing harmoniously, not rapping smoothly, not being enough, so he just put one foot in front of the other towards the only goal he could achieve: the dining room.

And it felt like hours. It felt like walking through the desert for days before reaching the end of the endless sand only to find his worst nightmare standing as the grand finale.

Xiaojun had let go of his hand, going to sit in front of his own plate. And he looked happy. They all did, in fact. Chatting amongst themselves and for the first time in three months, ignoring Xuxi's presence. It was kind of odd, really, if you were to ask Xuxi, being watched like a hawk 24/7 for three months - maybe even longer than that- and then...nothing.