You Try (Even when the world doesn't want you to|| WayV Lucas Angst

Understand

When he began seeing the therapist and doctors, and the pills and vitamins had started, he had assumed everything would be fine, just like everyone kept saying. He had thought that the paralysing panic that eating caused him would disappear after the first month of treatment.

Xuxi knows, now, that it was a childish hope and that he should've learnt by now that hope does no good. Yet, he couldn't let go of the fact that it had been three months since this started, and he was not getting better.

All the tears spilt for him, all the trouble caused to the people around him, and for what? For him to still be in the same spot he was three months ago?

The lack of progress was frustrating on good days, depressive on bad days...panic-inducing on worst days.

And, to his disgrace, today fell right on the last category.

Xuxi rubbed the skin on his neck until it was red and raw. It reminded him painfully of how the skin on his wrists used to be the victim of his abuse, spared now only due to the bandages that still covered them.

And where did that habit end up in? - he thought bitterly.

If he was any less tired, he would probably be crying by now. He would've also heard the steps approaching the room if he hadn't been so trapped in his head, hence why the appearance of Xiaojun in front of him almost throws him out of the mattress.

A soft smile tugged at the other's lips, and Xuxi was sure he heard a small chuckle come from the shorter boy. Again, if he wasn't so tired, he probably would've called the other out on his obvious amusement, but that was impossible when Xuxi felt like he was constantly falling.

"Sorry," Xiaojun said, obviously not sorry for almost causing Xuxi a heart attack over everything else.

"Food's ready," and there went his semi-good mood.

His face must've shown some sort of emotion other than absolute exhaustion because soon, Xiaojun was crouching next to him. His face mere inches away from Xuxi's own. The same way Kunhang would do, sometimes at night, when he thought Xuxi was asleep. Xuxi never stopped him, too aware of the tears on the other boy's dark orbs and the dark bags under Kunhang's eyes after nightmare-filled nights.

His thoughts came back to the present when a hand was pressed against his forehead.

"You okay?" Xiaojun asked, removing the sweaty fringe from the taller's boy forehead.

Xuxi thought before speaking because wasn't that a question he didn't know how to answer. He breathed through his nose, letting the air come out through his parted lips. He let the small comfort of Xiaojun's caressing hand wash over his body and considered his answer.

On one hand, he could be honest. Tell the shorter boy that he, in fact, was very much not okay. That he felt like he had been quite literally hit by a truck and then left to die on the road. He could tell Xiaojun that in that precise second, he felt like maybe dying on the road wasn't the worst thing that could happen, and maybe it was a recurring thing with him, the feeling of drowning that is, but this time it felt like it had felt three months ago, and Xuxi wasn't entirely sure how he was supposed to cope with that. He could tell him that even though he had done pretty well yesterday at lunch, right then, the mere mention of food made his stomach roll painfully. He could.

But then also he could tell Xiaojun that everything was fine, just like he had been trying to convince himself for the past...Xuxi glanced at the clock briefly...and shit, for the past two hours, apparently.

And really, how had he managed to just overthink his way through two full freaking hours of his life without him even noticing. But he was getting derailed here, and Xiaojun was starting to look concerned, so Xuxi knew he had to answer soon. If only his brain would cooperate for five damned seconds.