Until next time {H.S.}

27. Ive messed it all

Harry:

The heel of my shoe bounced nervously against the hardwood floor a mahogany color. A pathetic bouquet of sunflowers sit beside me on the table.

I caught sight of her coming through the door and I picked it up standing. Then nervously sitting back down if she wants to talk she will come to me. I have been thinking this through for months but in the moment I can feel myself freezing.

I'd seen her statement in the tabloids and wondered if the clip was true, if I understood what she had said at all. If she loved me as I love her now. If I could fix how wrong I'd done everything.

I watch the look in her eyes flicker and she walks towards me slow collected. I almost envy her for it. Knowing I've tossed and turned most nights only sleeping when my body totally craves it.

"I've got to talk to you." Her voice a familiar feeling like a raindrop struggling to fall down a window finally making it. I set the flowers back down.

"I'm so sorry. I messed it all up and I need you. I shouldn't have been upset. I shouldn't have taken the call. It was really serious to you and I left. When I came back later I figured you'd be mad and I didn't know what to do." I sat back into the seat my hands threading to my hair tears threatening to show. "Im so sorry Carebear. I thought about calling you everyday. I was gonna call but I couldn't I just had to talk to you face to face. I was immature, scared. I was upset I didn't want you to go." She touched my cheek.

The warmth of her touch something I missed over all this time. When she'd trace shadows of ink on my skin. When her hand would pull my hair back into a braid everything taken for granted. Every moment I'd played on repeat finding some comfort trying to fall asleep.

"Harry. We were both idiots I could have tried to talk to you any of the days phones work both ways. I was just as stupid as you. I'm sorry that I seemed so angry. I was just as scared I didn't know were we stood either." Her tears stumbling down her face.

I saw the smile lines by her eyes crack and show the trails of tears that often occupied that space. How the river carved the grande canyon. I frowned deeper within myself now seeing the true hurt.

In a blind attempt to fix things I'd ruined everything. I thought we needed space but what I did was pull us apart.

Like a beacon of hope to a lost ship she smiled bitter sweet. Worried brows and filled eyes, oceans lay behind. I paddled to shore being lost way to long. I'd scoop buckets full of salted water if it meant she'd not storm like this.

"What does this mean?" She whisper in the same way I had that day at the lake. My hand reaches to lay over hers. No longer wanting to be scared of where things lead.

"Whatever you want it to mean." I spoke, in that moment I promised whatever her answer is I'd let it be. It felt like a alcohol over a fresh wound stinging but healing.

  "Can we go back?" She questioned. "To us that's what I want." A strand of hair fell in front of her face.

  "Yes. I want that too." Tears fell free flowing. "You cut your hair." I mentioned, what I wanted to say was I love you but I couldn't manage it. Not now at such a time it had to be bigger.

"So did you." I nodded gasping a breath I wasn't aware I held.

"Yeah, it looks really good Carebear." I reached up and tucked the strand back finally.

"I wish I was there to see you donate yours. I guess we were both being stupid so it's partly my fault but I donated mine too and oh my gosh I've missed you." She threw her arms around my neck unable to hold it back longer.

"Me too Carebear me too." My arms found themselves clutching around her waist a familiar smell in her scarf. She pulled back suddenly.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me that next time we can communicate. Cause I- hate how WE handled this. I won't do it again. I'm so sorry that I didn't handle it right either." I reached up between us putting my pinky to her.

"I pinky swear and you know I'm serious cause that the only way to make a promise." I smirked at her as she sealed the promise. "So when do we kiss?" I grin at her pulling the weight off the moment.

"Hmmm." She looked off mulling the ideal over. "You know a wise man always said the best way to bribe me is with food and I do know we happen to be in my favorite coffee shop." She faced me now a full smile on her lips tears wiped from her eyes. The storm halted my bucket empty.

"If that's all it takes I might have to skip the long the line c'mon now." I stand, heading towards the line with her beside me.

I stand my foot tapping the hardwood impatiently. The person closest to the register ordering the most complicated coffee in history. When they finally finished the person in front of us went on.

Finally I stood at the register ordering quickly turning to her now as she shakes her head. With a satisfied grin as if she enjoys this torture.

"I don't have coffee or a muffin yet." She turned her head from me.

"And a muffin." I payed hurriedly. "Basically it's like you have it in spirit." I attempted to coax her into a kiss.

"No cheating smiles." My heart warmed the name familiar from her lips.

"I'll wait then angel. Can I hold your hand?" I felt the need to ask wondering where we really stand. She didn't speak she just leaned on my arm and grasped my hand.

I remembered evening walks in cold places with her and I smushed together for warmth. Sometimes I'd unzip my jacket and she'd get inside. How she'd blow on her hands and rub them together to eventually take mine freezing cold and warm them.

"I know I already said it but I missed you." I put my hand over hers and I felt a smile rest on my face.

This is where I was meant to be in every life time I'd find my way to her. In every glimpse of happiness I'd see it wouldn't be truly happy unless I was with her. I'll do things better this time I'd do them all right.

  When she finally received her coffee and muffin she hurried to our spot, before I could reach her. I followed hurriedly after her. Like bees to honey. When she'd set them both down I leaned to her ear.

  "Don't think you jib me out of this one." I smiled at the feeling in my chest nervous energy jumping around like leap frogs. "I've been so patient." I had the urge to turn her to me but I couldn't push past my worries.

  "I mean you really were." She ripped a sugar open pouring it into her cup slowly. "Sometimes it's just fun to make you wait though." She looked me in the eyes face to face now.

(Play Song now...)

"Remember when we first met and you scr-" she cut me off a hand on my cheek.

I lifted my own hands to her neck now. I felt everything I did the first time. Appreciating the specialty more than I've ever. It broke and I rested my head beside hers.

"I don't think I'll ever stop missing you." She grinned after she said it.

  "Me too Care bear." My lips longed to say more to speak into existence every moment I wished we shared. I wished to share everything again like we had, the time apart showed me just how much I lacked without her presence.

  Though she is just a woman she is the only one I wish to share my sleeplessness with. She is the only one I wish to share my plate with. She is the only person I could ever bear to hear sing horribly to the radio, to trace my tattoos, to laugh at my jokes, to tell me I'm beautiful despite seeing deeper into my wounds than any other.

  Though she is just a woman she is the only one I wish to share my life with. As I took her hand and my eyes traced her features like a picture I'd seen often but couldn't help to be enamored with. Id missed her more than I realized. In her presence now I felt everything fully, in her absence she had taken a piece of me too. A souvenir to remember me by my heart, of which already she holds yet now thousands of miles no longer in between, for the first time in a long time it felt as if it truly could beat. 

Oh how I've missed you, my Angel, my Sunflower, my Star, my Care bear, my Rosey, My Love.