This Love

Tired

" Don't worry Father, I'll be fine." Diego says.
" have fun and be careful " I say as he shut the door and yells" thank you"

I take my phone off the table and open my drawer take my AirPods out and lay back in bed,
I contact them to my phone.

And I play my music loud to feel the beat drown out of my thoughts. The sound is so loud I have no room to think. Lyrics that make my heart heart pound for a various of different reasons.

The thing, the girl who made me the happiest, is now the reason for my sadness.

Feeling the tears roll over my cheeks. Fuck no.
I just miss her, I miss her so god damn much, I feel empty without her, I feel like a part of me is missing as soon as she stepped out of the door.

I'm so tired, I'm tired of everything, of life, of work, of taking care of my kids, of working out, of showering, of eating, of drinking, of family things, of everything, I'm sick and tired.

What I ever wanted in life, is happiness. Thought I found it, and I did, I did found my happiness, but it left me and return me sadness.

I can't feel the feeling of waking up in the morning and see her asleep on my chest.

I can't feel the feeling of sleeping right next to her with our kids around us sleeping.

I can't feel the feeling of her hugs.

I can't taste the food she used to make, whatever food she has made, It just doesn't taste the same when I make it, even tho I use the same steps and ingredients as her.

I roll over to my side and just scrolling through my camera roll, filled with her pictures..

Clicking on a video of us on yacht, me recording and her holding herself on me, her arms wrapped around my neck, her giggles, her smile.

" how about I throw you in the ocean" I said " noo" she said " yes yes you really want to swim in the ocean" I said " what when did I wanted to swim in the ocean " she said giggling " last night you told me " I said she laughs " I don't like ocean" she said

And the video ends.

I keep swiping to right and seeing more of us.
It really hurts. It really does, so much and so bad.

I grab the pillow she used to put her head on and place it straight and put my head on it my arms holding the pillow.

I just couldn't help but literally burst into crying.

I really used to think if I cry I'm weak. Not my fault, my father would always tell me I'm weak whenever I would cry of his abusive ass.

Not gonna say I wasn't scared of him, I fucking was, I was so scared, the moment he would open the door I would flinch, not only him but everyone else but especially him.

He is really fucked up, I just don't know what I did for him to hurt me like that.

I didn't even finished my school because of him, I couldn't go to school with bruises all over my body. My face.

I remember once he had a knife and cut my fucking left cheek with it, I still have that scar, but it's faint, doesn't show much from far.