Fractured

Chapter 2: Stuck in a loop

          The story starts around November in 2019. Life was going decent, school was ok, 7th grade was kind of easy, i can't complain. There was also a girl that i really liked, Eva. That started around the 2nd grade, a small childhood crush, but in those 5 years it developed into a "i really like her" and soon would develop into something rather bigger than just a crush. A lot of my classmates didn t want to spend time with her or be around her, she was ok with that and that's what made me like her even more, the fact that she didn't care about how others saw her. I was very shy, so i couldn't just confess, that's why i started to hang out with her during breaks and after school. We did that in the most part of November, and that created a really good friendship between the two of us. I was happy, more happy than usual.

         Soon, December started, and with that some heartbreaking news for me. You might know the rapper "Juice wrld" or Jarad Anthony Higgins. Well, he died on December 8th 2019, only 6 days after his birthday. He was and still is my favorite music artist. That week was horrible, the fact that i discovered she had a boyfriend didn't make it better, so i slowly distanced myself from her in order to avoid awkwardness or problems like that. That was the first time i actually felt lonely. I had some friends and a lot of people who cared about me but i felt like i was alone and in pain. It might seem like the fact that a girl had a boyfriend destroyed me, but it's not like that. The fact that i spent nearly 4 to 5 years showing her how i felt about her, giving her the advice that she needed, listening to her problems when she didn't have anyone to speak to, seeing all of that go to waste because some dude from across the country appeared into her life that sudden was what killed my spirit. I started feeling like i was stuck in a loop, everyday was somewhat the same, wake up, eat, school, come home, listen to music, sleep. That went on for around 3 months. By that point i was fairly numb, i felt a lot of the normal emotions sort of faded or dim. Happiness, excitement and other emotions didn't really have any effect on me, it's like they weren't there at all. That wasn't just with good emotions; sadness, anger, frustration, all of those didn't even matter to me. I was out of energy, felt like i was worthless, like i didn't belong on this small rock which we call home. Like i was just a small part of this infinite and vast universe, drifting away through space and time, not even living. That's the best I can do at describing how i felt. The worst part was the fact that i was very dumb, and i admit it. I kept talking to her, i listened to her venting about the problems she had with her boyfriend. I knew however that he didn't deserve her, he liked her for her body, not for who she was. I accepted it and moved on.

         That year a lot happened but soon it came to an end, the constant loop didn't stop though. I didn't mind, as i probably mentioned earlier, i got used to it. I lost a lot of friends, gained new ones, soon lost most of them and that s when i started making online ones, because i noticed the fact that those online friends were better than any other friend from my school. That's what really broke the loop, i started being happy again, i started laughing more. For the first time in a long time i felt like i was alive, like i belonged. Those once inexistent feelings i had were now there to remind me that life is worth living. We played games everyday, we got to know each other on a deeper (platonic) level. They knew me more than any other person in my life at the time. This state of mind went on until around the beginning of 2020 when, as happy and joyful as I was, this would soon end.