Alive

An Unexpected Phone Call

New-York City, 8 PM, 27th of October

I was sitting on my bed as I fell asleep again from all the stress of work. I dreamt of her again...

It has almost been 9 years, but I could never forget that day for the rest of my life. She was at the hospital running the usual checkups. She asked to go alone, saying I got nothing to worry about and that I should be with my friends and wait for her to come back. Suddenly, her mother called me, saying she had a bad reaction to something and was being rushed to a room to get treated. Although the hospital wasn't very close to my parents' house, I took the car and drove as fast as I could, almost getting myself a ticket in the process.

I parked at the hospital and ran inside as fast as I could. Her father waited for me at the entrance to give me directions. I rushed to her room. I opened the door, breathless, and began to feel tears dripping down my face. She was alive and breathing, but she looked so pale and lifeless you could mistake her for a ghoul. All the doctors around her, trying to treat her looked like they were doing things on a dead body. She barely even moved.

Her parents went out, as her mother couldn't bear to see what was going on, hoping the doctors can save their daughter. At a certain point, we were asked to leave the room. Almost losing control of myself, I went out with my fists closed, before I would do something rash.

About an hour later, one of the doctors opened the door and asked me to come in. I saw one doctor still treating her while the rest were taking a break. At that moment I looked at the hospital bed and she opened her eyes; I could have sworn I saw a ghost. I came closer and held her hand tightly. She was talking so quietly I needed to lower my head to hear her. I desperately tried not to cry.

"It's ok," she said in her calm, soft voice that always calmed me down.

"I'm sorry" I started dripping tears.

"Just remember, do what you love, always, even if I'm not there with you" I couldn't hold myself back anymore. I started crying, "Please don't leave me" I cried.

"I won't. I promise" I held her hand for the next 20 minutes crying my heart out, keeping talking to her about what we planned to do together, and how our lives would progress as the years go by. After these 20 minutes in which even some of the doctors cried, I felt her hand losing its grip on mine. Her parents already entered the room and were also crying their hearts out. I almost lost it. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't be angry, I couldn't hit something, I couldn't shout, and I even stopped crying but more important than anything, I couldn't save her.

A few days later, it was time for her funeral. All her friends came. Most of her family was there as well. My parents joined me. In the days before the funeral, I almost didn't sleep. I didn't eat and I barely left my room. I spent hours lying in bed trying to even comprehend what happened. I felt like I was also dead because it felt like a part of my soul was torn from my body. I lost the most important thing for me in the whole world.

Hearing everyone come up to her parents and me saying things like, "It's ok", "everything will be ok" didn't help. I could barely even hear them. I felt far, far away, in a place no one ever reached except for her, and no one could ever again.

I couldn't bear it. I tried to kill myself multiple times throughout the years, to the point that I had to be under supervision to make sure I wasn't doing anything dangerous to myself. I never accomplished it, yet I did not know if it was a gift or a curse.

I moved from San Diego to New York, started working at a daily office job, which gave me more than enough money to live by myself with my dog. I left all my friends behind and stopped contact with all of them. I barely even talk to my parents and just call occasionally to let them know I'm fine. The only person I am still in constant contact with is my sister Jane, who moved to New York as well to study and the university there.