I constantly get questions about my past and why I am so depressed. At first I avoided them because I didn't know the answer. Now I still don't..
If you are a person who's known me for a while, you know that I go through a cycle. I'm happy and fudge and then I want to kill myself. I break down and shut myself off to people. I constantly remember things that make me sad because always thought that if I were truly happy, I'd forget them. And I've proven my theory right. When I'm happy I tend to forget things that played big parts in my life. I replace the sad ones with the happy ones and I hate it.
So no I'm not broken, just perminantly fractured. In reality I do not want help. I don't want to be happy and not worry about the past because my past is filled with people that I can't let go of. Till this day I blame myself for 7 deaths. Half of them where caused by me not being able to let go of anything.. I was to selfish to see what was in front of me that I lost everything that built up to that point.
I'm depressed because I can't let go of the things that make me this way. The things that made me happy also made me sad. I can't think of letting go of what's made me, me. I know that me being this way is holding me back, but I don't care.
I know that every suicidal person says that they don't wan't help or sympathy. That they don't want people to attach themselves because they don't want to hurt them. I realize how absolutely stupid it seems. When I was a kid I always thought that how could someone die or be empty from being sad all of the time? How can sadness be a disease?
When I got older and figured it out, there was no more wondering. When I'm depressed, I can't exactly explain why. I just can't. So no, I can't really tell you the reason why I cut or smoke or want to die and I'm not asking you to try and figure out why I do because I don't know the one true reason.
I've realized that this has sort of become like a journal where I ramble all of my thoughts for you guys... :/ sorry
