Baby, I'm Gonna Leave You (SQ to Heaven's Door)

14: An Honest Proposal

Lucy's POV:

I was home, depressed, and watching television. It felt like no time had passed at all. Yet, everything was different. The baby was gone, still nothing had changed. I picked at my thumb, a habit I'd pickrd up from the beginning of pregnancy and the anxieties that came along with it.

Axl knocked on the wall as he entered the room. "Angel-face, I'm back." He held out flowers for me. "How're you holding up?"

I shrugged. "I've been a lot better." I picked my thumb harder. "I guess this is God's way of punishing me for everything I've done."

"Don't say that. You're an angel, in more ways than one. You deserve everything you want in life and more." He put the flowers down and draped his arm over me. "And if you seriously believe that God would do something so fucked up, I will go up there and personally slap him."

Believing that, I chuckled. "When did you get to be so romantic?"

"When I broke your heart." It hung heavy in the air. "But I swear, I'll never do it again. That's why I'm making up for it now." He reached into his pocket, pulling out a black box. "That's why," He opened it, revealing a tiny diamond ring, "I'm asking for you to marry me."

"Now?" I whispered the words, covering my mouth. It was exactly what I asked for, but I didn't want it now. Not when I wasn't over the miscarriage. It would be a bandage marriage, and I couldn't do that to Axl. "Axl, no."

"No?" He seemed in disbelief. "I thought you said this was what you wanted!" The disbelief was dissolving into anger. "This is what I've wanted to ask for three months. I've been waiting for just the right moment to make it special, and you're telling me no?"

"It's not the right time. Please, just wait a little longer."

"How do I know you won't say no then? How do I know that you're not in it with some other man?"

"Do you really believe that I would do that to you?"

"I didn't believe that you would say no! But I guess someone's just fucking full of surprises! You don't even know what you want!"

"I want you to control your temper!" I snapped, and he deflated instantly. "Thank you. The baby was hard for me, Axl. I'm not ready to go leaping into the next thing. Please, just give me a little more time to sort myself out. I'm not ready to marry you until I can be fully happy with the proposal." I shook my head. "You can't solve every problem by throwing gifts at me."

"That's the only way I know how to solve them."

"Then maybe you should wait, too. Maybe you should wait until you're willing to be vulnerable enough to repair the emotional bonds you've severed."

"But I love you, and I don't wanna lose you."

"You're not going to lose me because I love you, too. That doesn't change what I said. You can love me more than anyone loves another in the world, but I'm still not ready for that." I stood up. "I need some air." 

&&&&

I returned to a silent house. "Axl?" I called. "Where are you?"

"Up here!" I heard him call from the upper level of the house. I guessed that he was in the bedroom, so I went there. Sure enough, there he was, sitting on the floor, scribbling lyrics to a song. "Feeling any better, Angel-face?" He asked.

"A little, I guess." I shrugged, sitting next to him. "I'm sorry I blew you off. I never meant to hurt you."

"You were right." He looked at me, smiling weakly. "How can the truth hurt?"

"It always does." I put my arm over him. If I really wanted to make him feel better, I would have to step outside of my comfort zone. "I remember that dance you taught me two years ago."

"You remember how to do a strip tease?" He raised an eyebrow. "Great. Why?"

"I can do one for you." I started pulling him gently over to the bed. "I can give you the full experience."

"Geez, Angel-face. You're trying so hard." He stroked my cheek with his thumb. "I love you for that."