"treasure your time as a child," they said.
"you have no idea how much i want to turn back time," they said.
i scoffed. why would i want to stay a child? being a child meant that i would not be able to buy the things that i wanted - that smiggle pencil case, the barbie castle, that packet of snack. if i were an adult, i would buy all of these things without a second thought. nobody would be able to stop me.
"make a wish!" they sang.
i shut my eyes and wrapped my hands together. it was my favourite time of the year - my birthday. i would turn a year older, which meant a year closer to moving out and starting my own life. oh, i was beyond excited.
i want to be older. i blew the candles out.
"how did you do?" they asked.
i stared at the piece of paper in my trembling hand. "i did okay," i muttered.
"where will you be applying to?" they asked, eyes beaming with anticipation.
"haven't decided on that," i replied.
that paper laid face down for weeks. i watched friends and acquaintances share their admission processes. my phone clicked shut as i reached for the light switch.
i shut my eyes. i'll be fine. i hope.
we haven't talked in so long! which school are you in? they texted.
hi! i'm taking a break from studying. working part-time now. you? i replied.
why? they replied.
seen.
"how are you feeling today?" they asked.
"i'm alright," i replied.
"okay, now tell me more. have you been feeling anxious lately?" they pry, pen and paper ready.
i paused. "i- i feel lost. i don't know what to do with my life."
i opened the window and stared into the night sky. the stars shone like they did years ago, when i was young and bright. perfect scores, multiple leadership roles, numerous scholarships. the daughter my parents were proud of. independent, they called me. we never have to worry about her.
they shone just as bright, but the eyes they reflected into were dull. empty.
what went wrong? where did i go wrong?
so many unanswered questions, yet no one had the answer to them. would things have been different if i had tried harder? but i did try, as hard as i was able to. why was it still not enough?
i stared into my phone, the four digits glaring back at me. you need to start planning for your future. how much have you saved so far? that's not enough! you need to save more. your cousin has already saved...
i clicked my phone shut.
did ten-year-old me expect this? would she be disappointed if she knew?
a tear slid down my eye, sinking deep into the pillow.
i hoped she would never know.
