New Rules

11

An hour later you emerge from the bathroom walking into the bedroom finding Alex sitting on her side. You quietly walk to your side climbing under the covers as you sit against the headboard as well. The two of you sit in silence for a moment. Alex breaks first "I had a rough session today. It's no excuse for what I did. But I just didn't want to talk about it." " I noticed," you muttered cutting her off. "I'm sorry," she whispers. "All I've been doing is trying to help you. Yet you treat me like you can't stand me. " you whispered as fresh tears fell. "I know. I'm sorry," she repeats. "Maybe I should stay with Tara for a few days," you suggested. "Is that what you want?" she asked. "No." you sighed. "Me either," she whispered.

"Please don't go," she whispered. "I'm not," you answered.  "I cleaned up the glass," she says. "Good," you replied. "Let's just go to bed. We can talk in the morning." you sighed leaning over to cut the lamp off. Alex nods cutting hers off as well before she lays down. "Y/n?" she calls out in the darkness. "Yeah?" "Can I hold you?" she asked. "Yes," you answered. Her arms wrap around you pulling your back against her front. Her head dips smelling your hair as she squeezes you. "I love you. I'm sorry," she whispered. "I know. I love you too," you tell her before closing your eyes.

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Your eyes flutter open straining against the sunlight. Groaning you rolled over to see Alex leaning up watching you. "Good morning," she whispered. "Morning." you smiled. "What are you doing?" you asked. She smiles " Watching you sleep. Thinking." "About?" you questioned. "You. Us. This whole thing." she explains. "Oh," you mumbled. "I want to talk. If that's okay," she says. You nod sitting up preparing for the worst. She sighs sitting up as well taking your hands into hers. "This has been hard. Therapy and reliving all this bullshit. And I know it's been hard on you as well. Last night was uncalled for and I'm sorry. During my session, we talked about Robert and the rape and my scars. I felt like I was trapped in that moment all over again. And I shut down because I couldn't handle it. I took it out on you and I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you or scare you. I love you so much and feel like I'm making things worse. I understand if you want to leave. And it was wrong of me to ask you to stay." she says. "Alex I'm not going anywhere. It's going to get worse before it can get better. As long as you're trying then I will too. But last night scared me. You've never sacred me like that before." you tell her. She nods as tears roll down her cheeks "I'm sorry." she whimpers.

"You've got to talk to me, Alex. But I also need to learn not to push you. So far that I'm sorry." you tell her. She's quick to cut you off" No. You don't need to apologize. I have been awful to you this last week. Hell even before this week. You deserve so much more than how I've been treating you." she cries.  "We both make mistakes Alex. I'm not some perfect little angel. I push your buttons just as much as you push mine. But last night went too far." you explain. "I know. It won't happen again. I will talk to my therapist about it and we will figure out a way for me to process my anger. Especially since my previous outlet is off the table. Although I thought about it." she confessed.
"You thought about hurting yourself last night?" you asked. She nods "When I heard you crying in the bathroom. I was so upset with myself for hurting you. I wanted to hurt me more. I wanted relief..a moment of peace..or an escape I guess. I could have seriously hurt you last night and I couldn't live with that."

"Hurting yourself doesn't make up for it though. It doesn't fix anything." "I know. " she says cutting you off.  "I'm glad you didn't do it," you tell her. She smiles "me too."  Scooting over you snuggle into her side laying your head on her chest. "I love you, Alex." "I love you too," she whispered running her fingers through your hair. "Hey," you said tugging on her shirt. She looks down at you "hmm?" You smile "Come down here and cuddle with me please?" you asked. She nods with a smile as she slides down in bed. Rolling on her side to face you opening her arms for you to snuggle up to her.

Once you're close enough you lean in placing a gentle kiss on her lips. Pulling back you smile seeing her eyes closed with a tiny smile. "I've missed that," she whispered. "Me too. We haven't been really intimate lately," you say. "I know," she says. "I'm sorry." you both say at the same time causing each other to chuckle. "Why are you sorry?" you asked. She shrugged her shoulders "I just haven't felt like I deserve to be loved that way. And when I do want to it's normally to distract myself and that's not fair to you," she says. You nod your head. "Why are you sorry?" She asked. "Well, kinda for the same reasons. I was worried about you using sex to fix things or as a distraction. But also this period has been rough." you explain with a chuckle. "Don't be sorry for that. Besides, I should apologize for how I acted the other day when you told me," she says. "Well I don't know about you but I'm kind of over all the apologizing. " you chuckled. She smiles nodding her head.

"I hate that you have to relive all of the bad memories. But I want you to know that I am proud of you," you tell her. She looks at you with a confused expression "Why?" she asked. "Because most people don't even try. It's too hard and they run. I'm not saying it isn't hard for you and some days you don't think about running away, but you're strong. A lot stronger than you think. And I am proud to be by your side through the good times and the bad." you tell her. She's quiet as she processes your words tears pricking in her eyes. "I don't know who sent you to me but remind me to thank them. I got really lucky," she says chuckling. "Me too. " you whispered leaning in to kiss her once more.