The lost hope

The day before

Oh the secret fun. Being the smart emotional fun couple we were. We were busy dreaming about the day we were going to meet for the first time. About the day we would smile looking at each other, be shy, eat together and do every other little things we always wanted to do with our better half. He wanted to do many things with his girlfriend. And I wanted us to do a ton of things, including the romantic ones. ;)

The day before, nothing was specifically different from what were were thinking since a year we got to know each other on Twitter. A love story on social media was weird for both of us, because untill I got to know him, I did not believe it was even possible to be so connected with some through a phone. Our talks, the time we spent doing useless things from fighting indirectly to doing drama on Twitter TL to confuse our mutual online friends. Damn, it was absolute fun.

Being in 2020, all of the fun made sense. Both of us spent time with each other through phones and it was about time we all accepted it was possible to like someone this much. As of me, I knew that being a girl, coming from a conservative Indian family love marraige is not going to work for me. That is something I fixed in my head always despite talking to Sam for this long. Despite falling in love with him so much that I don't mind going a little step further and give it my all.

It was just a few months ago that he confessed. He said he loves me. He said it out loud first. And I was overwhelmed. It was confusing, it was scary because I didn't want it to fail. I know casual hookups are rather much better, simpler. But he was asking me if we could try. If I was ready to make things work. The thing is, he became my weakness as well as strength. He asks and I tell No? Hah. That's not gonna happen.

When he asked me, my heart was excited. I wanted to do it despite the odds. We both hail from south India, from Andhra Pradesh. The caste system involved in this state is crazy shit. Honor killings and such stores still continue despite living in cities. My friends from my Engineering college were so screwed once their family got to know about their secret love story. I had no idea about what my parents would think. I was too scared to even image what they would do if they knew. I didn't want a mess, but now as Sam came to my life, a mess was inevitable. I knew it. I just started to prepare my mind for it.

My love for him was that much. If i could store him forever in my heart, I would have. One interesting observation I noticed was that, once you love someone the way you view them is different from how everyone else views them. To everyone he is a naughty kid with no responsibility. But it was only with me he shared his original thoughts, I know how responsible he is, how caring he can be and most importantly how thoughtful he is. Just because another person insults him or makes fun of him, he doesn't get triggered and shout or do something thoughtless. He is aware of the circumstances and acts accordingly. These kinds of unique small observations are made once you love someone. When he gets angry, I feel is only human. Obviously, he was hurt or things didn't go well. He was angry, it would have been surprising if he wasn't. It seemed like I could see his soul for what it is, both good and bad. Seeing it made me accept the whole of him. That is what made our love for each other special.

I felt all of this heartfully till the D-day occured.