Truant

Only Love Can Break Your Heart

I was never able to settle down. I was never able to sacrifice my freedom. I never had friends, just acquaintances. But when I ran away from home and moved here, Seattle, something was telling me that maybe I had found my home here on earth. Or at least it was close. So I signed a contract that stated that I would stay at this apartment for 12 months. What a commitment, right? Never been able to keep a human in my life for 12 months.

However, I had no regrets. I put a matress on the floor, booze in the fridge and all of my art suplies to my designated studio. The apartment had come with a piano, so I had all I needed. I took some of my ink and a paper and got to the balcony. I was surprised that the neighbor's balcony was ridiculously close to mine. After one hour or two, I was startled with a very unique male voice.

"Innocent but provocative, your art."

I looked at the neighbor balcony and gave the blond guy a smile.

"Not only the art."

"I'm Andrew."

"Why hello Andrew, I'm Ember, your new neighbor."

"Aren't you gonna invite me over Ember, new neighbor?"

That was how I met Andrew. He told me that he was in a band called Mother Love Bone with some other guys. "Love rock awaits ya people, it's going to take over the world." That's what he told me. He had brought his records from his place to introduce me the Seattle culture. The music scene. I was mesmerized. The Seattle music was the only thing that excited me that much since I had discovered underground and punk. All through the evening and night we played the records he brought and painted. We painted on paper, we painted on the boring walls. Oh, how I wanted to paint my life like that.

The next day Andy brought a friend, his bandmate, Jeff. His love for punk made us bond immediately. Almost every night we were hanging out somewhere, therefore meeting more and more people. I finally had friends.

Now, almost two weeks has passed. I either walked around or stayed in with my new friends during that two weeks. But today, I woke up feeling so alone. The guilt of the night before had invaded me. See, that's my problem. I never get physical hangovers. It's always mental. The condensed anxiety and guilt that makes you think you're possesed by underworld devils. Alcohol brings out everything I escape in me and everything I love in me. 

I felt glad that I had sent that guy away, I'm never able to sleep when someone is laying in my bed. Another con of being never being able to sacrifice your independence. You feel as if you'll die from lonliness, yet you find yourself pushing people away.

The doorbell rang. I got up, put a tshirt on me, and opened the door.

"Does someone have a loud head?"

"JEFF I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE."

I hugged him so tight. Jeff was one of the few people I actually let inside my walls. Because he understood. I'd never push Jeff away.

"It feels good being needed."

"Oh shut up."

He was now mocking me. Outside the walls I always presented myself as a strong woman who never needed anyone's help and scared the shit out of them so they wouldn't be able to see how fragile and scared I was. Jeff knew that. I hadn't told him, but I knew that he knew.

"I brought cookies as an apology."

I smiled so big. I do that a lot.

"And some news to go along with it."

I felt so exited. "WHAT NEWS?"

"So we have this gig tonight. With another band."

"WITH WHO TELL ME."

"They're called Alice in Chains."

"Well, now I know what kind of sexual intercourse they're into."

He laughed.

We decided to watch a movie until the soundcheck time came. We put on one of those DIY feminist punk movies and got ourselves some beer. He opened his arms and I hugged him. I was amazed by how good of a hugger he was. So good that he can make you fall asleep in seconds. So I did. I realized that I had fallen asleep when I heard Jeff whispering.

"Ember, heey Ember. Wakey wakey, it's time to go."

I opened my eyes smiling, free from stress, before I realized that the world was still there.

"SHIT. Sorry."

He chuckled. "I knew you needed some sleep. But I need to go for the soundcheck now. You'll come tonight, right? At 10 pm, at the club with no name."

"I'd never miss it in the world. I actually better start getting ready now."

"I bet you'll look great."

"I will if you give me one of your hats, the one that we made together. PLEASE JEFF. I promise I'll make one for me. But until then I need your hats."

"Okay, okay but I want something in return."

He started looking around the room and stared intensely at my guitar.

"The hand painted strap. I want it."

"Sure, take it."

He left. I was so glad to have a friend. I was so glad to be this close to music. I started getting ready. My hair looked good already. I put on a red velvet crop blouse and a puffy pink tutu skirt. I put on a brown leather jacket, a necklace that I made, the Jeff hat and wore my doc martens. I didn't like makeup so I just put on a red lipstick and some mascara. I was ready to go.

The smokescreen and the chatter of the crowd comforted me. The fact that people are experiencing stuff that they can so excitedly talk about comforted me. For a second or two I enjoyed fading into the crowd. I enjoyed being the laughter, the chatter, the excitement of other people. Then, I took my warrior position: showing everyone how fragile I was yet making sure that they know they cannot get me hurt.