I'll Be There

9 | rock me real slowly

"And I'm sorry," she stood at the edge of the counter, hoping her eyes could communicate her sincerity.

Last night, when she had stepped out of the car, the first thing she saw was what he had always been, her rock. And like always, he stood calm and sturdy in front of her. Except as she got closer, he seemed different. There was a need in his eyes that hadn't been there before.

With most people, his vulnerability had always been subtle. He would often chose to stay strong so that others could feel secure, but she knew him well enough to recognize the sadness. It was the same hurt she saw when she unwrapped his arms from her more than two and a half years ago.

Now that the weight of the night had passed, she knew the conversation couldn't wait any longer.

When he didn't say anything, she tried to find the words that she knew wouldn't be enough, "I didn't know what to do then, and I didn't know what to do now when all of a sudden you came back into my life." Met with silence, she finished her thought, "but I do know that I hurt you."

"You didn't have to hold it all yourself," he finally spoke up, deciding to start with his truth.

"It just felt so lonely," she took a deep breath, "like nobody could understand the pain that I felt."

"I was there, Liv," his eyes darted to hers, holding her gaze.

"I know," she nodded, her eyes glimmering with tears.

"You could have talked to me. You could have let me in."

"I couldn't," she shook her head, trying to get him to understand, "everything was perfect... until it wasn't. My brain couldn't comprehend how in just a couple hours my body could deceive me like that. A couple hours and then everything was gone. The world went dark, and it was just me."

"And what about me, Liv? The world went dark for me, too."

Her words triggered his wound, and a flash of anger crossed his face. If her eyes hadn't been set on him, she would have missed it, but she didn't. Momentarily stunned by his reaction, she pulled back.

"I know it must've been hard for you, too. And - "

"See, you're still seeing this as me and you, when it should have been us," he took a deep breath.

She gaped at him, unsure of what to say. As the silence took over, he watched her pull the blanket tighter around herself, searching for even the slightest sense of security.

Deciding to pull the break on the conversation, he picked up the two plates, "how about we just eat."

She followed him in silence, sitting across from him at the table. Neither of them spoke as they ate the breakfast he prepared. Even after they were both done, they sat in their own bubbles, each of them trying to figure out where to go from here.

Taking a different approach, he picked the conversation back up, "you pulled away."

"I'm sorry - " she tried, but he kept going.

"You pulled away, and I felt like I failed you," his admission bringing tears to her eyes.

She got up and walked to him, pulling his hand so that he would turn towards her.

"You didn't fail me." Standing between his legs, she cradled his head against her stomach. Her heart broke as he struggled to continue.

"I felt so hopeless. Like there was something out there that would fix the pain, but I just couldn't figure out what. And the days kept going by, and we grew more and more distant. I wanted to be there for you, Liv. I just didn't know how."

Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes. "There wasn't anything you could have done," she paused, "I couldn't face the fact that I had done this to you. He was your baby, but I couldn't give him to you. I couldn't do it," her voice shook as she relinquished herself to her emotions. "I'm so sorry. I couldn't do it, Spencer."

He pulled her down into his lap as she came unbound in his arms. After all this time, her guard had come down, and she clung to him.

"It wasn't your fault, Liv," he spoke softly once her sobs had slowed.

"You don't know that," she shook her head, looking down at the floor.

"It wasn't our fault. It wasn't anybody's fault. We did everything right."

"But it still happened," her voice cracked as she looked up at him.

Scanning his face, she saw her pain reflected back at her. It was clear to her now that they had blamed themselves. And though it wouldn't resolve everything, this understanding was a small step forward.

Placing her hand on his cheek, she brought her forehead to his. Thinking of all the comfort he had provided her, she gave him the reassurance she knew he needed, "and you did everything right."

_____

A sense of tranquility had fallen over them as they moved around each other, cleaning up the kitchen after the heavy morning.

Once everything was back in its place, Olivia went to the living room, looking for her bag.

Coming back to the kitchen, she looked at Spencer, his eyes heavy. Even though it was only 11am, they were both exhausted.

"You can stay."

"I have somethings I need to take care of," she shook her head, getting ready to leave, "but thank you."

"Hey, I meant what I said when I told you I don't want to live life without you."

The intensity of his gaze no longer got to her like it had in the past. She wanted him in her life, too.

"I don't want to live life without you, either," she smiled sadly, "so what now?"

After a few moments of silence, he smirked at her, "friends?"

Considering their morning, she let out a loud and unexpected laugh. Walking towards him, she leaned over to kiss his cheek, "I'm not falling for that again."

She decided to end the morning on a high note, they would figure out their relationship another day.

Walking towards the door, she turned to him, "I'll see you around, Spencer."

"Bye, Liv."

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Phew. Sorry for the wait, had to map out the rest of the story to make sure I stay on track.

Thank you for all the very nice comments on the last chapter! I'm just trying to do these two and their situation justice 🥺