The rules are so simple
Eat when you're hungry, sleep when you're tired, drink when you're thirsty
And wash when you're dirty
But by some sick and twisted wish of some dripping god I
eat whatever's close and sleep when there's nothing else to do
And drink whatever's offered and make better people pull at their hair
And choke on their expensive drugs as I
Kiss with an unidentifiable feeling in my poisoned heart
That could be love of self loathing or
Some other funny little quirk in my soul that makes me
Kiss other people when I really want them to stand by me with a stopwatch
And bang my screaming head on a wall and beg them
To tell me the amount of seconds it takes to
Free myself of my yellowing teeth.
And I could wash every minute of every choked day
Or I could never wash again in however many years I have left to endure all this
And the effect would be equal
Because I am eternally damned by this coat of dirty handprints
With occupied ring fingers and pretty little wives
That trusted their husbands too much
And my eyes are red and bloodshot because of how they forced them open
To watch.
And I will never stop thinking about her
And if ever she could heal
If his grotty fingers ever were out her wounds long enough
For her to even try
And I hope he is dead
I hope he bled for weeks and weeks and I hope he was
Sodomised and beaten like a dog and I hope he
Pissed himself of someone bigger's cold and hard floor
And that he trembled until the very end
And that he is trembling still because he knows
He has yet to reencounter me.
I only wish I could hear him whimper and cry
The way I did all those years later under the moon
On that pavement with the snail and the girl
Who told me she loved me
And I had to explain to her that I am not a person you love,
Or that really loves
I am a person who vibrates and monologues and is stuck
In this grotesque cycle of appealing to every man who ever
Fucked me up worse than I already am
And they all conjoin into one ever expanding god
Who sits on my shoulder and tells me what pyjamas to wear
And I wish I could kill him
But I was not born with the frame of my brother
And I know I would hate myself if I had been, anyway.
I want to be red raw
I want to be scraped of the crust and the fish skin of it all
Of my body and their hands and their eyes
I hate them and I love them
And I cannot decipher what is organic from what is chemical
And I don't know if I could love her like I loved him
And I don't think I have the strength to try.
I want to be alive but I
Am so alive
And I am burning like a witch.
