A Silence In The Chaos

Silence 21: Patawad

Pakiramdam ko dapat ay may sabihin ako sa kanya. Hindi sapat na sinabi kong mahal ko siya. Hindi sapat ang magkasama kami ngayon. I want him to know that...

"I forgive you, Noah," I declared wholeheartedly as I looked at him.

A hint of surprise crossed his face which he quickly removed when the traffic light turned green. Napaawang nang kaunti ang kanyang labi.

He gripped the steering wheel a little too tight. He glanced at the side mirror, his jaw protruding.

"I.." hindi niya maituloy ang sasabihin.

Tumikhim siya.

"You shouldn't. I mean, I don't deserve that," tuloy niya.

My heart broke for him. Dahil sa dalawa siya humihingi ng tawad. Una sa akin at pangalawa'y sa sarili niya.

"Gusto kong malaman mo na pinapatawad kita. Kahit na sa katunayan naman ay hindi talaga kita sinisisi sa nangyari. Pero kung kailangan mo itong marinig para maibsan ang pagsisisi, I forgive you. Truly. Wala kang kasalanan , Noah. What happened wasn't our fault."

"T-thank you," tumango tango siya ngunit mababasa mo sa ekspresyon niya na hindi siya kumbinsido.

Bumuntong hininga ako at luminga linga. Wala naman na kami sa express way kaya makakahanap na ng pwedeng mapaghintuan ng kotse.

"Itabi mo muna ang kotse," utos ko sabay turo sa tinutukoy kong pwesto.

He immediately followed. He moved the clutch to P, which means nakapark kami.

For a moment I hesitated whether I should continue what I've planned before I made him stop the car. But then I found myself removing my seatbelt. Tumungtong ako sa inuupuan ko. Then I moved my feet to the driver's seat.

"What are you-" Noah looked puzzled.

I placed my feet on both sides of the driver's seat then I sat on his lap. I wrapped my arms around his neck while his hand automatically went to my waist.

"F*ck," he cursed under his breath.

Hinawakan ko ang kanyang pisngi. Hinanap ng mga mata ko ang kanya. When our eyes met, he softened.

"Baby," saway niya.

"All you ever did was to reassure me and make me feel secure. You are my savior, Noah. Even before. Thank you... love," I whispered the last word.

Hinawi niya ang takas na buhok sa aking mukha.

"Baby, you don't have to do this-"

"Gusto ko!" agap ko.

He paused. I gulped and went on.

"I want you to know that I know of your pain... the same way that you know of mine," halos magmakaawa ang boses ko na paniwalaan niya.

"And I don't want you to feel guilty for being in a relationship with me. I want you, Noah. I want this. I want us. Hindi kita pinatawad dahil may nararamdaman ako para sa'yo. I'm saying I forgive you dahil wala kang ginawa na hindi ka pata patawad at lalong wala kang ginawa na dapat mong ihingi ng tawad."

He opened his mouth but I put my index finger in front of his lips.

"Sabi mo sa akin, when I feel sad then I should tell you. Sana ikaw rin. When you feel sad, I want you to tell me..." nanginig ang aking labi. "Because I will do everything to make it alright too."

He peered at me in awe. Then a single tear dropped from his eye. Agad niyang sinalo iyon.

"Sh*t," he chuckled.