Crowded Home

Prologue

Loneliness.

I always thought that I knew what it was. It means to have no one present around you. But after a couple of years I learned that the concept of loneliness is much more complex than it seems. Because there is a difference if you are alone or if you are lonely. The former being on a physical level. The latter being on a more psychological level.

As I sit here, in this room full of people, I realize, that I am both.

Alone and lonely.

Even though my mother sits next to me, I am lonely. She is chatting with family friends while I wait for someone to talk to me. My eyes scan the people in the room in hopes to find someone I know enough to start a conversation with. But I fail. The only person I am close enough is a childhood friend that I rarely see and she is too busy to notice me.

How should she notice me? Why would she notice me sitting in the corner of the room pitying myself that I have no friends? She deserves a fun night and talking to me would probably drop her mood. I don't want that for her. So, I stay seated where I am and pretend that it does not bother me sitting by myself.

To be honest, I kind of got used to it. It's actually sad that I slowly enjoy the feeling of being lonely. It's a feeling I have known for years now. It's familiar. But even though I try to convince myself that loneliness has its perks, I can't deny that it has much more downsides. The only advantage I can come up with is that nobody can hurt. Someone has to be around for that. But just because no one is around to hurt you doesn't mean you aren't hurting.

Because if no one is around you, it means no one wants to be around you.

If that makes sense.

As I sit here, I started to feel the stinging in my chest. The one that shows that you are hurting. It's a sting that reminds you that you are alone. I kept looking through the crowd and the sting in my chest intensifies when I see that everyone is having a good time. Groups of friends sit together and are laughing. Some are even dancing. And me? I'm not doing any of these things.

The daughter of a family friend passes me and mutters a quick 'Hello' but does not stop to talk. If she had stopped, I would have told her that she looks gorgeous tonight. She really does. It's sad that you are not even given the chance to show how nice you really are.

I realize that I am lonely and alone and my biggest fear is that I will die this way.