Dear Mom

Dear Mom #1

Dear mom,

I know that you will never actually physically see this but I feel like it might help me in some way. That day feels like the longest day off my life. Yet it was the shortest in yours. I feel like if I maybe pushed you to go to the urgent care clinic and get checked after you took that half day on that Friday then maybe you would still be here or I would feel less like I could have done something to prevent this occurring. 

That morning Jonathan woke me up in a panic saying that you needed help and you were having issues breathing and he was calling an ambulance and he needed me to help get you at least decent before they came. I remember asking hat was going on and you were gasping and having so much trouble trying to breathe and it freaked me out so much. The first thing you said to me was that the cats hadn't been fed yet. I helped you into some clothes and then you said that you either couldn't do this anymore or that you can't take it anymore. then not even a minute later you said that you were gonna die and the first thing that popped in my head is all those ER TV shows where doctors would say that some patients just know that they are going to die.

After that I quickly ran out to the front of the house to see how far away the fire truck was to see that pulling in front of our house. So I ran back to you to tell you that they had just pulled up and were coming as fast as they could only to see you laying back on the bed with what looked like a bruise starting near your eye and you passed out and gasping for air. So I pulled you up so you were sitting and leaned forward and leaning against me just in case you got sick I didn't want you to choke on it. I kept calling out to you trying to get a response as one of the fire fighters walked into the room with an oxygen tank and an oxygen mask for you.

At that point I let you lay back on the bed so that I could get out of the way and I noticed just how pale you actually were. I've never in my life seen someone so pale before let alone you that pale. I was talking to the other fire fighter and giving them as much of your medical history and information on allergies as I could remember. When the paramedics finally arrived one of the first things they said was to get a scoop stretcher and the Lucas (a chest compression device).That is when I dropped to the ground and started bawling my eyes out because the last time we saw someone with that on them they never returned.

After they got you out of the house they took forever to leave to go to the hospital which was not the one they first said they were going to. I called your brother and told him what was going on while Jonathan called dad to come pick him up so he could go to the hospital to see what was happening and they only let one person in at the hospital because of the COVID restrictions and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle going to the hospital mentally in this type of situation with my anxiety. After he left with dad I got a call from your dad where he asked what was going on. Then your mom called me a little bit later to ask what was going on. I was in the dark of what was actually going on for about two hours. You died at about 6:50am and I didn't get told till about 9:00am. And I always thought that when people fell to the ground and screamed no after that type of news was a bit of an over exaggeration but no its pretty spot on. I cried so much that first week but it just still doesn't feel like it enough. I feel like I be worse off then I am and that I should be crying more. I don't know if it because we spent the last almost 2 years in the same house everyday because you started working at home so I don't regret not spending more time with you or if I just don't know how to deal with this and will have a melt down later or if this is how its just gonna be for me because I already am on depression medication for the anxiety.

Either way I don't know what I will do with myself. I do wish I could tell you that I love you one last time even though you know that I do. I mean you saved all the birthday and mothers day card I made you or wrote in and signed that was always me expressing how much I love and appreciate you for all you done and believing me when I started having major problems and we didn't know what it was till like three years later.

Oh how I miss you but yet at the same time it doesn't quite feel like you are gone.

I love you so much Mom.