Until there was Us

One

"Because I love you." I lightly hit his chest, "Don't give me that kind of excuse."

He laughed, "But I really love you." he lift my chin and kissed my forehead, "I love you so I try my best to know everything about you. And besides, we live together." I rolled my eyes but snuggle closer.

I stopped talking and just hug him, we both know that he's right. We live together, we observe each other and we simply want to be the best for each other.

"If the weather gets a bit chilly, use two of your scarf. I also packed a heating pad, use it as well, okay?" I remind him as I felt his hug tighten- if that's even possible.

"I will," he muttered and kiss my hair. I stayed silent, listening to his heartbeat.

"Don't overwork, and eat on time. Okay?"

He nods. I sighed.

This isn't the first time he went away for work, but for the past two years of living together, this is the first time I'm gonna sleep without him. It makes me sad, that's why I decided to go home the same day he'll be leaving, which is tomorrow night. 

We've been together for 5 years, and on our third anniversary, he asked me if I could move in with him. He prepared a candlelit dinner at the rooftop of our condominium, it was so romantic but I was so scared. 

I wanted to say yes immediately, I want to be with him too but my mind betrayed me, I ended up declining his offer. Right at that moment, I saw how pain and fear flashed in his soft-melting eyes. I hated myself for inflicting pain on the only man I ever love. 

The following day, we didn't talk about what happened until I received a call from him, drunk. He kept asking me, "What should I do? What do you want me to do, baby?"  

I wasn't able to get to him and take care of him that night, and guilt was eating me. I know that I was never the best girlfriend, but I didn't realize that I'm becoming the worse. I didn't see him for a week, thinking that I should give him some time to think.

While waiting, I prepared myself for the thought that he'll break up with me, but when he showed up in front of our house, he apologies, saying, "I'm sorry I got drunk. I was too embarrassed that I drunk call you. I'm sorry, babe. Forgive me, please?" 

And the following days, months even, he became extra and more at all things. Extra clingy, extra attentive to whatever I say or do, and I wasn't complaining. However, it got me thinking and I unconsciously asked him why.

Why didn't he break up with me? 

And what he said eased all my what-ifs.

"When you said no, it scared the shit out of me, babe. I'm still scared, terrified even. I thought you fell out of love. I thought you don't trust me enough. And I understand." he cupped both of my cheeks, staring directly at my eyes, "I'm willing to do everything to earn your trust. I'll do everything to keep you."

He flashed the heart-warming smile that never fails to make me fall in love with him.

"That's why I want to work harder, and love you deeper. I want to be the best guy for you to trust and for you to risk your future with. I want to be that guy who you will choose to sleep and wake up next to. I want to be the guy you'll dream to have a family with, the one that you'll build a home with. Because with you, I see a life that I wish and want to live. And because I love you, Jaleah Ruby. I love you."

And that's when I realized that he's worth the risk. And that I want what he wants; the kind of life that he wants, with me. 

I want that too.

So bad.

But I fucked things up.

--

"Do you, Kairo Kim, take him as your better half. In sickness and in health. For better or for worse. Until death does us part."

He smiled lovingly, "Yes, father. I do."

I smiled. He deserves this. He deserves a love that doesn't hold back. He deserves a partner who will not be afraid to risk with him. Someone who will fall the same deep as he is, either to rescue him from the fall or stay with him so he wouldn't be afraid.

He deserves a love that.. that I couldn't give.

--

"It's our anniversary... How could you forget?" I stopped on my track.

I look at him who's waiting for me at the couch of our condo.

"Babe..." I wanted to say something but my throat feels dry.

"Where have you been, Jaleah?" he asked, not looking at me.

"I–" I look away, I couldn't continue because I know my reasons are fucked up.

I was at the office, sketching clothes for the winter. It's been two years when I started my clothing line. And four years since we decided to live together.

"7 years. Don't they mean anything to you, anymore?" He asked.

I could hear my heart break into pieces. I drop all my things and rush to his side, holding his hand. I gulp, "Babe, no. That's not true. I– I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

He looked at me with a pained expression.

"You know I love you, right? And I will always forgive you even if you don't ask. But, baby. It doesn't mean it didn't hurt." my tears fell like a waterfall as I keep saying sorry.

I don't have enough excuse or reason to say that could subside the pain that I caused to this person in front of me.

"I love you, okay, please don't cry," he whispers and wiped my nonstop tears.

I look at him, and he's crying too. I feel like a thousand knives stabbed my heart.

"I love you. Happy 7th anniversary, my love. You're the only gift that I want," he wipe my tears and kissed my forehead

"But you seem too hard to have..." he smiled sadly, "You can tell me if you want your freedom back, hmm."

"W-what?"