Pink Splattered Lungs

•Preface•

From a very young age, I felt like I was the odd one out
I felt like in a room full of sunflowers, I was the dandelion, waiting to be stepped on or to be wished away
Even when I tried to fit in, I was the very awkward puzzle piece, trying to fit into a puzzle that I never belonged to in the first place

Growing up, I never heard the term transgender
And the people that surrounded me, could never be open to the possibility that such a thing existed and was very real for so many people

But I knew the first time I was "misgendered,"
The first time someone called me sir, the first time someone called me young man
And everyone waited for me to be offended
That the word female didn't describe me as a person, even if the word feminine did

And when I first liked a girl as someone who identified as a female, she told me that she didn't really like me because she didn't like girls but she always forgot that I wasn't a guy.

I'd hold her in my arms.

She'd wear my hoodie.

I would walk her to class.

She'd call me and talk and giggle for hours.

And I wondered if I really was a guy. However, maybe I just wanted her to actually like me, so much so that I didn't like her but wanted to like me and I couldn't. Not when my hair fell past my shoulders and I couldn't figure out why the term lesbian could never describe me.

I liked boys. I didn't like how they treated my body or how they made me feel.

Dark, "tomboy" outfits clothed my body and finally I felt comfortable.

All of the hair was cut from my head and I felt like I could breathe.

Finally, I was free. I was just a tomboy

I would never be just a girl, who likes boys and girls, that dressed like a tomboy, and fit in with the guys

I didn't want to feel different or stick out.

It was never that I "wasn't like other girls," but that I wasn't a girl at all.

So then, I began to turn gray and slowly, I am becoming a blue mess to be painted on a fresh canvas.

Becoming Grey will be a series of different collections of poetry. Some will talk about my dysphoria as a trans man who must be closeted. Some will go over my sexuality. Some will communicate how I felt as someone who presented female and the religious trauma that prevented me from realizing I was transgender. I will also discuss the trauma that made me doubt my realization. This is your trigger warning. However, I am not responsible for an opinion that you know will not be welcomed. I am open to communicating with you but we will not debate who I am as a person because of my gender and sexuality. I am myself, my personality is used to make that known and make me feel that way. It isn't to cater to the wants and opinions of other people.

DISCLAIMER: I identify as a male. I also identify as abrosexual. This means my sexuality is fluid. My gender is not and your respect for my gender and sexuality, regardless of who you are in my life, is also not fluid.