Dying is the Easiest Part

Chapter 26

Chapter 26

I lost, I hurt, I died

"You're going to have a baby brother." That's what my mother happily announced when they came home after her monthly check-up with her doctor-OB as she calls it. I'm thirteen now and my mother is pregnant with my baby brother.

That means I'm going to be thirteen years older than him.

My cousins don't have that kind of gap between their siblings. Usually, it was just two to three years.

Both my Mom and Dad call my brother a miracle. For a second, I thought that's what they're gonna name him. But my Dad explained everything to me, telling me that after two miscarriages, and after years of trying, they have finally conceived. That's why they call him a miracle.

I've always wanted to have a sibling. I don't care if he's a boy or she's a girl. I just wanted one, because being alone is not nice... it's boring. I wanted a playmate so bad.

I think my parents are right. He's indeed a miracle.

"I'm so excited." I tell my parents, smiling from ear to ear. I'm so excited to meet my baby brother. We're going to have a lot of fun together. I'm going to write a story just for him. I'm going to take a lot of pictures of him. My Dad bought me a touch-screen phone for the first time. It has a camera and this is where I write my stories.

Mom said this was a talent from God... me being able to write stories. Therefore I should keep doing it, and write something that would glorify his name. I didn't understand how. Or What I'm going to write in order for me to glorify God's name. I am thirteen years-old. I don't know much about God.

So instead of figuring out how to write for him, I just prayed. I keep on praying to him to give me ideas, give me plots, and give me words that are worth writing and worth reading. And he always does. This might sound that I'm making this up, or maybe it was just a coincidence but everytime I pray to him, and ask for his help, miraculously, I'd know how to start and finish a chapter.

***

My mother just gave birth. Iyan ang sinabi sa akin ni Daddy nang sunduin niya ako sa eskwelahan. I was happy and ecstatic about it. But Dad doesn't look so happy about it. He looks sad and preoccupied. Like he's not himself.

For a second I thought, is he drunk? I've never seen my Dad drunk. He doesn't drink alcohol so I don't know. Madalas kong marinig sa mga palabas ang mga katagang, "Pasensya ka na. Lasing ako kagabi at wala sa sarili." That's why I thought he's drunk.

When we got to the hospital, I immediately went towards the nursery room. The curtains are open so I tried searching for baby Collins in a blue towel, but I found nothing. Maybe they forgot to put his surname... so I tried searching for Nathanael instead. That's his name. Nathanael. That's my brother's name.

I thought it was spelled Nathaniel. With I and E. Because I have two boy classmates with that name and they spelled the same. But my mother told me that it was spelled as N-A-T-H-A-N-A-E-L.

Because that means, "God has given," and that's what my brother to us is. He was given by God after years of trying and after two miscarriages.

But where is he?

Why isn't he here?

"He's not there, honey..." I felt my Dad's hand on my shoulder. He pointed at the other glass window beside the one where we're currently standing in front.