Dying is the Easiest Part

Chapter 6

I stare at him, flabbergasted for a few seconds before acknowledging him with a nod. I don't know why but I feel more comfortable with Gabriel compared to him.

"Where are you going?" He softly asks.

I open my mouth, but I clump it shut once again to prevent myself from saying that I think someone is on the verge of jumping off the boardwalk.

"I just need some fresh air," I reason out, and then I give the milk and cookies that he's holding a brief glance. He noticed.

"I thought you wanted some." He says.

I shake my head. "No, I'm good. Thanks."

"Are you okay?" He asks.

Are you okay? For a second, I stopped at his question. I haven't heard that question for a long time, and hearing it from a genuine and sincere manner somehow makes me want to tear up.

Am I okay? No. I was never okay. I have a lot in my mind. I've been carrying all these weight alone, I've been fighting my battles alone, and I drank a bottle of pills to die, but I ended up being here, alive and confused so, no. I'm not okay.

I never was.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" He asks, looking at me with his eyes that are full of sympathy.

"There's nothing to talk about. I'm fine. I just need some fresh air, I'll be back," I say, dismissively as I walk past him without bidding a proper goodbye. I'm not even sure if he's strict kind of father who wouldn't allow his daughter to go out this late, but I have no time to figure that out.

I took the stairs to go down as fast as I can.

When I finally got out, I walked through the dunes trying to keep a quick pace despite how hard it is to walk on the sand compared to a concrete. Idagdag mo pa ang pagod na nararamdaman ko dahil sa paggamit ko nang hagdanan. Kung hindi ba naman ako isa't-kalahating tanga. Mayroon naman ng elevator at hindi iyon ang ginamit ko.

But I'd like to blame both the panic and excruciating pain for that mistake. Tinakbo ko na rin ang daan patungo sa may boardwalk at maging ang pagpanik sa may hagdanan at nakahinga ako nang maluwang nang madatnan ko pa doon iyong lalaking nakita ko kanina.

Mukhang naramdaman niyang may tao kaya ibinaling niya ang kanyang tingin sa gawi ko.

Our gazes met my feet automatically plastered on the wood that I am currently standing on. He was flabbergasted for a second when he saw me unexpectedly, but then his expression immediately went back to his stiff and stoic expression.

He didn't say a thing. He didn't ask what I'm doing here, he didn't pull this cliché line that says, "you again?" or this "are you following me?" phrase that more likely a guy like him would say, judging from his gruff look.

He looks like the type of guy who doesn't have patience in every cell of his body, but instead of acting rude, he just ignored my existence... like I'm not even worth of his time.

Oh, wait... I'm assuming he's mute, right? Was he really mute?

I walk towards him and stood quietly beside him, but he didn't budge with my presence this time. His focus was on the sea. I wonder which is deeper... the sea or his thoughts?

"What's your name?" I ask.

He didn't budge. His eyes remain down at the black roaring sea water that is so depressing and terrifying to look at... and that's when I realized that maybe... he is not mute. Maybe he is deaf.

"Uhm..." I clear my throat. I still got no reaction from him. Not even a tilt of head. "Are you," I stop, wetting my bottom lip, thinking of ways to deliver my question without offending him. "Are you... deaf? Look at me if not. You don't have to say anything, you don't have to answer me... just look at me," I say.

I watch his face, anticipating him to look at me but he didn't. I even wave my hand on his side and that's the only time where he gave me a brief glance. But it was just brief.

Mukhang iritado pa nga siya at kaagad ding ibinalik ang tingin sa ibaba.

Damn.

He is deaf.

I feel bad for him and at the same time, I feel comfortable, too. I don't know if it's a good thing... feeling comfortable over someone's defect.

But it's just that, if I talk to him... If I say whatever I want to say, I wouldn't receive no judgment since he can't hear me.

I watch him as he grips on the railing again. He's got toned arms with generous amount of vein popping from it. I take a little step away from him to take him in.

He's just wearing a maroon shirt and a black sweatpants yet he looks like an art that was carefully and delicately crafted to make him look this good. I watch his jaw twitches as he keeps on staring at the sea, allowing himself to drown with his thoughts. I wonder what's inside his head right now?

And I want to commend the fact that this island—or whatever this goddamn place is called—has the most beautiful men that I've ever seen. I eye him even more, trying to decipher what odd trait he got.

My Dad somehow looks Jewish or Turkish but he got a daughter whose half Filipino and half American, he is also filthy rich—I bet he's wealthier than Pablo Escobar. Gabriel is a servant who looks like a Hollywood action star with a British accent and damn, the man can speak other languages, too.

But what about this guy? What's odd trait that he got?

Is he sparkling under the sun? Does he have pangs? Could he breathe under water? Does he owns a magic dust that can make someone float? What? What's a strange quality that this guy has?

Man, I've got so used to seeing odd things in this place that being normal seems abnormal to me. Maybe he's just a normal deaf guy who seems to have a temper.

"I'm not sure if this is a nice thing to say but I feel comfortable that you are deaf." I tell him as I hold onto the railings, too. Ibinaling ko na din ang atensyon ko sa dagat kahit na nakakatakot itong pagmasdan.

There is no way in hell that I'll swim in there this late. This place is odd enough for me to believe that there are monsters living under that sea and if given a chance, they would grab a person's ankle and pull them down to make them sink under water so that they could devour them.

Kaya siguro kaunti lang ang tao dito.

"I was watching you from my balcony and I thought that you were going to jump that's why I went here." I keep on talking even though I know that he won't hear me.

"I don't know what's going inside your head right now, I don't even know how to communicate with you... but I just wanna tell you—even though you can't hear me—to give life another chance. Well, that if you're really planning to jump." I shrug, and rested my chin on top of the back of my palm.

I felt him staring at me, but I didn't stare back. Maybe he's feeling irritated right now because I keep on talking without giving him the consideration that he can't hear me, but that's the point. That's the fucking point why I'm talking to him... is because I know that he can't hear me.

"Wait... that was ironic coming from me," I laugh when I realized what I've just said. "Eh," I shrug. "Just don't jump yet, okay?" I say, looking at him and he's still looking at me. Causing our eyes to meet.

I've realized that he has a pair of blue eyes.

And now that I'm staring at him face to face, I can see that he has a foreign features, too. I'm just not sure what it is. His skin is tan, though.

I give him a faint smile. "I know a bit of sign language, I can communicate to you using that if I have another encounter with you, but right now I just want to talk," I say. "I like your eyes, by the way." I added before departing my gaze from him.