I held a soul upon my lap today.
A broken soul, dark and cold.
Whose warm brown hair slides between my fingers and whose tears soak my dark blue denim. “I love this soul” I say to no one but me as I watch the sun lower in the distance.
Does he love me? Can he love me? Does he even have the ability or capacity I wonder, as I watch his shoulders shudder and shake.
“What is wrong with you?” I shout. I’m chasing him through the mazing that is his house, weaving in and out of rooms feverishly following him.
“Look at me,'' I pleaded as he stormed through the screen door to the porch, nearly letting it hit me in the face.
“Why are you here?”he whips around yelling inches from my face! “What do you want?”
“What’s going on?” I ask looking for the answers but seeing nothing in return.
His face is pale and uncertain. There is pain as he rolls the tongue ring across his lips.
“Andy…” I reach from him, but he strugs me off.
“Andy…..”
His golden brown eyes, bloodshot red and burning. They were brown, right? Or blue? How can I not remember? It's been so long, after all I was only 17.
Clink Clink Clink across his teeth, the ball slipping over his lips as he ponders what to say next.
“What happened last night?” I ask as he turns from me. I follow desperate to keep eye contact. I need the truth, something is wrong.
Silence, the birds sing and the wind blows but there is silence. A deafening silence, that cuts the space between us like a knife through water.
“I can’t do this ……” He starts but trails off.
I reach but he turns.
This? Us? Me? So many questions. I don’t understand. This is more, there is more to this then us.
“Why are you here Rhi?”
“I’m always here after school.” It was as obvious an answer as the question asked, yet I knew that ‘s not what he meant.
Why am I here? He's clearly messed up again. What did he take this time? What happened when I left last night. What color were they? Pink or yellow or blue? What was printed on the top? Was it a butterfly or smiley face? I was there when he bought it…. Them, there were 4 of them. Why can’t I remember, if I could just remember it would help explain this. Was it an upper, or a downer. If it’s a downer….
I turn my back to him. Why am I here, on a school night, at 17 years old. Why am I here?
“What happened?” I ask.
But when I turn he's no longer there looking at my eyes. He’s crumbled like a small child, like an injured bird. He’s melted into a pool resembling something that used to be a human. Helpless, and broken like a shattered vase.
“I don’t want to live anymore.” He says as if it's just a statement. Like it’s that simple to say. Like it’s not that big of a deal.
Simply.
Clearly.
With no emotion.
“I don’t want to live anymore.”
I reach out but again he flinches and moves away, as though my touch is burning him.
He says it once more. This time it was clearer, more to the point. I’m not sure why. Maybe because I am still, or because I am silent, but what can I say? What could I possible do to make this statement any less….. assaulting?
