4/24 - it's been rough. I wish something would happen to me. Why am I so down? Why? Why? Why? I have so much. Why is it not enough? Why am I not enough? I told her to go. But I didn't mean it. I wish she knew that. Someone, something take me away. This life isn't for me. I wish they'd see that. Everyone thinks I'm fine. I wish they'd see through it. Just one person. Please.
Feels like I'm stuck inside. With no way to get out. All I can do is look through the blinds. My own slice of hell is my mind. How lucky. It won't shut up. I can't get these thoughts out. Please just quiet down. It's like white noise. I think I've gotten too used to it. I feel like I'm not really me. A walking corpse. That's what I am. When will I be revived? How long? Will I last until then? I guess we'll see.
5/5 - 2:30 am. I'm a bitch. I'm a fucking bitch. I should've just kept my mouth shut. I should keep my mouth shut. It'd be better if I just didn't say anything at all. It's not like anyone would care anyway. I was good for a couple days. Distracted. I thought I was fine. Turned out to be a lie. I don't know how to be okay. I don't know how to not think the way I do. It makes me frustrated when mom just tells me to think positive and count my blessings. It's not that easy. It's been so long. The dark thoughts override my mind. There's no room in there. It's been so long. I'm so sad. And angry. I don't know how to deal with it. Where is it supposed to go?? Fuck myself.
5/11 - I don't know how I feel anymore. I think I might've run out of tears. It's been a year since she killed herself. I don't deserve to be sad. I didn't know her that long. Others were closer.
It's hard to look at myself. I'm so sick of myself. I feel so far away. So detached. I've lost weight. Apparently I haven't been eating as much. She just says that because I'm not constantly stuffing my face with snacks anymore. It's easier than I thought though. Skipping meals. I just don't really feel hungry. Plus the thought of food makes me want to puke. Mom says there's something wrong with that. I don't get it.
5/17 - his truck got stolen. I ate too much this weekend. I probably gained like 20 pounds. I'll have to remind myself not to eat. I know I've said this but I'm not sure how to be okay. It's hard to fake smile all the time. How am I supposed to feel about everything.
5/19 - I'm so exhausted. How am I supposed to be happy? There's so many reasons not too. How am I supposed to stay happy, or even in a good mood? I'm always mad and I don't even know why. I don't how to change it. I only know how to mask it...sometimes. I have no control over my thoughts. They just come and invade everything like a cloud of black smoke. Slowly suffocating. Making it hard to see.
I said I was gonna do better this semester. But I've only gotten worse. I'll make it up somehow. Who really cares??
I like the feeling of stomach pains. Because I know eating is something that I can control. And not eating helps me lose weight. Sometimes I'll crave something but make myself just go back to bed. My rooms my sanctuary. Who cares what it looks like because it's my space. I wish I could just destroy it and everything in it. But most times I just lay in bed. Looking. Thinking. Listening. I hear a lot more than people think. I'm tired. Mentally not physically. Sleeping is my getaway. Except for when there's nightmares. Sleep helps me not have to think. It's like a drug. A drug I like taking.
5/20 - 12:05. He's always gone. When I point this out to my mom she always defends him like I don't know how amazing he is. He was gone, literally, when I was little. And I can't remember the last time he was really all here. Mentally and physically. It feels like we're just roommates who occasionally hang out together. I'm jealous. Jealous of the people who share special memories with him. Jealous of the people who take his time. He always makes promises he can't really keep. He'll say how he's sorry he works so hard to provide. But all that needs to be provided is attention. He'll say he will fix it and spend more time with me. But he doesn't know how to slow down too. He'll say he'll do it! He doesn't. But it's okay. Because he's my dad. I love him anyway and he'll continue to be there for me. But there will always be that emptiness from him. One that I'm not so sure can be filled.
5/21 - today's the day. Bane's time is almost up. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to react? Am I supposed to cry? Is it weird if I don't want to? He's my best friend. He's been there for me through everything. He's held me while I cried. Licked my tears away. And annoyed the shit out of me. But I don't want him gone. I hate that it's his time and not mine. Freddie isn't good at holding me while I cry. But Bane is. He's a good boy like that. We've helped each other through the years. We've grown up together. I held him after his episodes. And he held me. He's always smiling so it's hard to see the suffering. But I know he is. It's time to let go. To not be selfish. Just for him. I know we made jokes but I never meant any of them. I just want another lifetime with you. Dad wants me to tell you how much he loves you. You were special. You were always so good to us Bane. Say hi to grandma and grandpa for me. Oh and don't forget Delilah either, she'll be excited to see you. They'll be gettin a good one. Take care of em Bane, like I know you will. But don't forget about me, because I know I won't forget about you. I love you Bane. It won't be the same without you. You've been a good boy. I'm gonna miss you. I'll miss our adventures in the woods. I'll miss the way you wait at the door for me. I'll miss how you always knew to come to me when I was crying. I'll miss how you'd barge in my room just to check on me. But most of all I'll miss my buddy, my best friend, my protector. It's gonna be quit with you gone. So thank you. Thank you for making me feel heard. And loved. And noticed. And for the memories. Goodbye Bane, I'll see you again. I love you. Evan as I sit here and cry, you still manage comfort me.
