Until I gave in.

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by Eeiarkander

by Eeiarkander

Kursiv stil- tona ner men tydligt budskap
Understruket- ökat tonfall, inte starkast.
understruket+kursiv stil - övergång
Fet stil - Betoning, högre än understruket
Fet+understruket - starkast, budskapet ska 110% fram
~ - utdragen ton

How could you make me this scared? How could you drag me to my limit and break me down. You knew I already was close enough to be too scared of attachment and closeness, you really had to drag the finnishing line of my trust ?
"I would never do anything against your will" you said, "I will always be by your side and fight to help you improve your ability to handle your traumas and mental health issues." you said, but you know what? No matter who says anything, I cant trust it, I need convincing actions.
You convinced the opposite of your words. You told me to kiss you for multiple hours straight until I gave in by your words "kiss me and we can do something".
You knew from the beginning I am an oversensitive person when it comes to intimacy because of the trauma you where gonna help me with~.
You knew I am a person who need to activate my brain constantly. I cant lay and do nothing for hours as you, I said it multiple times before I got there and you said it was all fine. You said you could handle it.

~~~~~mellanspel~~~~~

Everything ended in chaos, yes in chaos.
You pushed me to my limit until I gave ~ in~, kissed you and went straight to the toilet. I had a panicattack but went back directly afterwards masking how I felt to spare your emotions.
You pushed me, to my limit to kiss you over and over again~.

Words built sentences. Sentences which only could force another to do as you want.
You pushed everything to its limit. You pushed everything to where you wanted it.
You pushed until I gave in~

~~~~~mellanspel~~~~~

Now Im scared of how to handle everything when it comes to relationships, when it comes to intimacy.
Everything isnt your fault. I had very much in my bag since before. But YOU knew it! YOU knew what I needed and who I am. Ive told you many times how Im traumatized~, Im open about it! You cant say you havent heard it, if you do then youre the only one I know who hasnt heard it.
Im scared of everything now. I see people who could be possible future partners~, people who I find romantically attractive but you know what? I will ignore it, Im hella scared theyll just do the same as you and many others~

~~~~~mellanspel~~~~~

Everything ended in chaos!
"I will cry MORE if you dont kiss me!" You pushed me to my limit until I gave in.
YOU played with who I am as a person. YOU used my sympathy, YOU pushed me to my limit. YOU knew I wouldnt be able to stand the thought of maybe even a little bit hurt you. YOU knew I would rather hurt myself than hurt you! ~
You simply pushed me to my limit, until I~ gave~ in~

~~~~~mellanspel~~~~~

Thank you so much. Before I was scared of men, but now Im scared of everyone. Anyone who could perhaps rape me.
Rape, sexual assault, sexual harrassment, abuse, violence. Im so goddamn done with how I get treated in this society~
I told you I needed to stimulate my mind, I needed to do something, what did you do to answer? Yes, yes youre right! "Kiss me and Ill give you something to do" you said with a seductive voice~.
Im happy I was strong enough to stay away from sex, its hard enough with what you pushed on me already~.

~~~~~mellanspel~~~~~

"Show me whatcha got"
"werent you supposed to punish me"
"Kiss me if youre bored or restless"

~~~~~mellanspel~~~~~

I remember it all so clearly. I backed away from you a little bit more each time you put those sentences in your mouth. I did it until we sat on the opposite edge of the twosized bed. You kept going.
I stopped answering, I began having my face down in the blanket, I tried to hide, make it obvious how I felt. I said no, I didnt want to. I tried all I could without hurting your feelings. You used my sympathy against me~...

~~~~~mellanspel~~~~~

Do you remember that day as clear as I do~?
The day that ended in chaos and made all my confidence in love be gone.
chaos, Chaos - CHAOS
You kept pushing and PUSHING, I was asking myself when you would understand how I felt. I gave up.
You pushed me, pushed me... - until I gave in -

I gave in~.

~2021, 12, 02~