you got me | chaennie

three

As she collects her toiletries and walks into the bathroom to start while Jennie picks out her own outfit in the bedroom, Chaeyoung smiles to herself thinking about how much Jennie has relaxed with her since they arrived. Sure, yesterday was a little rocky at times, but the evening felt like a success and, all things considered, Chaeyoung thinks they're doing well.

Chaeyoung doesn't quite know what to make of all the people who seem to have let Jennie down in such colossal ways. She's baffled by the way Taeyeon treats Jennie, by Lisa's behavior, even by Haein.

Humming to herself as she washes her face, Chaeyoung thinks about it. Maybe she doesn't know Jennie well, certainly hasn't known her for longer than thirty-six hours, but Chaeyoung gets the sense that what you see is what you get: Jennie is a brilliant, driven woman who wants to do good and wants to be loved. Nothing about her feels manipulative. Wounded maybe, hurting and wanting to hurt back, but Chaeyoung's not sure if Jennie is really capable of following through the way she'd like to.

There are parts of Jennie that remind her of herself—Chaeyoung's no stranger to loss, she spent a long time at the Parks feeling alien and alone. But where Chaeyoung has always known that her family members, biological and adoptive, loved and love her, she now knows that Jennie doesn't think she can say the same.

It's funny. Last night, sitting on the bed with Jennie and answering questions, Chaeyoung had the thought that she's never felt so comfortable with anyone so quickly. Only two of the questions had thrown her— What is your most treasured memory? and What is your most terrible memory?

For the former, she'd started to tell Jennie about holidays with her parents before they'd died, but, as soon as she did, she realized that wasn't right. Her most treasured memory was, in some ways, connected with her most terrible: it was the first time Alice let her sneak out onto the roof with her at night to look at the stars, about four months after she'd moved in.

Alice had brought a blanket and snacks, and told her jokes and stories until they got too cold and had to go back inside. Chaeyoung can still remember how, for the first time in months, she'd felt like a normal teenager—at that moment she'd known she and Alice were going to be best friends and not just sisters.

But then, afterwards, she was horrified to realize she hadn't thought about her parents for the entire night. Realizing that she could be ok without them felt like the worst thing in the world. It felt like a betrayal that nearly eclipsed the pain of losing them in the first place.

And somehow, Jennie had understood. She told Chaeyoung that her own most terrible memory was realizing that she couldn't remember what her birth mother looked like.

Chaeyoung shakes her head as she lays out her floss and uncaps the toothpaste. It normally takes years for her to open up so deeply, but the further down the list she and Jennie get, the easier it seems to be.

Jennie had seemed happiest all evening when they'd gone through the questions that referenced friendships. It's clear to Chaeyoung that Jennie keeps her distance even from close friends, but that she feels so strongly about them anyway—Jennie lit up talking about a few folks in Seoul. Still, Chaeyoung couldn't help noticing that they were all people Jennie works with.

In fact, beyond Kai and someone named Krystal, Jennie's only close relationships seem to be with people she also employs.

Chaeyoung finds herself wondering if she and Jennie will end up as friends after this weekend. It's an absurd thought, one that's never entered her mind about a client before.

But she feels a sudden intense ache in her chest at the thought of never speaking to Jennie again.

Chaeyoung sighs to herself as she puts toothpaste onto the brush. She feels a little off balance. The vulnerability the questions require goes both ways, and sharing the memory of her parents' death is never easy—regardless of the context.