the 1 | chaennie

42. All You Had To Do Was Stay

"I know. But I think I should. I think ... maybe I should give you space while you decide."

Swallowing thickly, Rosie ducked her head down and nodded slowly. The thought of being apart from Jennie without necessity chafed against her, but Rosie knew that it would be easier for her to make her mind up without having Jennie around, giving her expectant looks or fidgeting restlessly as she waited.

It was further motivation for herself too, to make up her mind as soon as possible, but all Rosie really wanted was to be sure that things wouldn't change, regardless of her decision. Somehow, she wasn't sure that they wouldn't. With the question of marriage came the sudden rearing of her old fears, of that feeling that she was watching the end approach before it had even begun.

Jennie stepped in closer and kissed her on the forehead, giving her arm a gentle squeeze before stepping back and smiling down at her. The air was warm and sweet with the fragrance of flowers but the day seemed at a close, despite the earliness of the evening. Their barely touched dinner still crowded the end of the patio table, unfinished and almost forgotten about, until Jennie jerked her chin towards it.

"You should finish eating. A home-cooked meal will do you some good."

"Alright," Rosie weakly chuckled, trailing after her girlfriend as they rounded the table and slipped inside.

Jennie took a cooling cookie from the tray in the kitchen, taking a bite and smiling as if she didn't have a care in the world, before she slipped her shoes on and crouched to ruffle the velvety fur of Hank's head. She was still wearing Rosie's floral robe when she stepped outside, keys to her car in hand, and they said goodnight. Rosie was sure to tell her she loved her and they chastely kissed with troubled thoughts, before parting ways.

Clearing away the dinner outside, Rosie obediently shovelled a few more mouthfuls of risotto into her mouth and cut a slice of the brownies Jennie had baked. With a cup of green tea in hand, two sleeping pills safely tucked beneath her curled fingers and the slice of babka, Rosie retired to her bedroom.

The room felt cold with disuse, too neat to look lived in, despite the touches of her belongings and decor. Depositing her tea and snacks onto the bedside table, Rosie switched the TV on and put an episode of Friends on, before changing into a pair of pyjamas. Beneath the silk sheets, she swallowed the pills with a swig of tea and watched the figures on the screen, blurred without her contacts in, slowly making her way through the brownies as she savoured the sweetness of the chocolate Jennie had baked into it.

She fell asleep propped up on a stack of pillows, a plate full of pastry abandoned in her lap as the sleeping pills crept up on her.

Midday sun woke her with a sliver of periwinkle sky visible through the window. Her mouth tasted powdery from the sleeping pills and she took a sip of stone-cold tea from the nearly full cup beside the bed, rinsing her dry mouth out with the earthy taste as she blearily blinked through the harsh sunlight streaming in.

Thoughts of Jennie were the first to come to mind, and with startling clarity, Rosie realised that the proposal hadn't been a dream. It had been as real as anything else in their relationship, another spike in what they'd tried so hard to keep off the radar. Each blip made things more difficult, and a proposal was perhaps the biggest of them yet. Rosie didn't think that they'd be able to settle things back down after this.

Still, she wasn't quite sure of her answer. The easy option was to just remain indecisive, to save herself the added stress, to take the cowardly way out and refuse to commit to either answer. Then there was the overwhelming part of her that wanted to say yes. Rosie loved Jennie, she was sure of that, had always been sure of that. She wanted to say yes just based on that alone, even though she knew it was a bad idea. Saying yes meant she could be happy with Jennie, have some reassurance that they would last. It would be easy.