Metanoia

Void...

“I’m convinced you just love feeding me,” I said walking into the kitchen.

She spun around and smiled. Gosh that smile would make you burn down the world just to see it again.

“I won’t deny that I love the expression you have while filling your belly,” she chuckled.

“Love?” I asked with an arched eyebrow.

Her eyes widened and her lips parted as she inhaled sharply.

“I- I j-just, you know- I-.” she stammered.

I leaned over into a belly gripping laugh. She ran over ready to hit me with the spatula but I ducked over to the other side of the counter. Her tiny but angry self chased me a little until I grabbed the spatula and picked her up to sit her on the counter. She was almost eye level with me.
What would I give to kiss those lips? Those brown yet faintly pink lips of hers, the feel, the taste of them… of her. She tensed and gripped my shirt tightly. I was staring at her unknowingly. I stepped away and gave her an apologetic smile. One she did not return. She put her hands out for me to lift her down and went back to cooking quietly. Damn, I messed up. She probably thinks I tried to take advantage of her. It was the last thing I wanted her to think. I probably pushed her boundaries and she made her close off herself from me. My fist clenched tightly at my stupidity.

“Lilith, I’m sorry,” I told her. She turned around quickly as she turned off the stove. Her eyes widened.

“Huh? I mean- no- Void its fine, you didn’t do anything. I guess my imagination got the best of me and I panicked,” she spoke quickly.

“What were you imagining?” I asked.

“Food’s ready! D-don’t want it to get cold,” she laughed nervously.

Was she imagining what I wanted in that moment? I sighed. That’s doubtful, she probably thinks of us as just good friends.
We ate in awkward silence and then I lazed around in her office while she worked. She never let me read her work so I just read this large binder of poetry she allowed me to read after I spent a day coaxing her with sweets. They were practice from her earlier writing days and what she did through college. She added another one every week.

“This one, it’s about betrayal isn’t it?” I asked her.

She looked up and skimmed her eyes over the title and nodded.

“Does it still hurt?” I asked her curiously.

She leant back into her office chair and stared out the black window.

“It aches like a fresh wound without treatment every day,” she replied softly.

Her voice filled with the hurt of it. There was something lingering in the words though. Anger.
The betrayal didn’t give just the sad expression she had, she was holding it back. Masking it. There were sides of her that I didn’t know yet. Sides that she probably doesn’t want me to know.

“Have you ever talked about it with anyone?” Pulling her eyes away from the window.
She shook her head.

“Do you want to?”

“Maybe, one day,” she replied with a sigh.
She rubbed her eyes with a large yawn. She fixed herself to go back to the computer. I slammed the folder shut.

“Alright bed time,” I announced. She jumped.

“I have work to do,” she pouted.

“You yawned, yawn means you need rest. I doubt you can think of anymore to write anyway,” I said.

She grumbled but shut it down without arguing, verbally at least. She stopped at her room as I headed to the living room.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To sleep,” I said. Her shoulders slumped and I knew what she wanted. I wanted to but I wanted her to ask at least.

“Oh, okay. Goodnight then,” she said softly.

“Good night.” So much for getting her to ask.

I plopped onto the couch, burying my face into the pillow. I should’ve just thrown her over my shoulder like usual and gone to bed with her. I turned my head to see a pair of legs slender legs in the dark. I sat up, Lilith stood in front of in just an oversized black t-shirt with a woman with a large afro white silhouette- that ended on her thighs. It inched up slightly as she fiddled with the hem line of it. He braids were bunched up on top of her head and she a wore a black headband that covered her hairline.

“What’s wrong?” I held one her hands gently.

“I- I can’t sleep. Without you-I can’t sleep- can… can we sleep, together? Please?” she asked.
This was a hundred times better than throwing her over my shoulder.

“Its hard to sleep without you next to me too,” I told her.
Her eyes glimmered from the lamp’s dim yellow light.

I woke up to a shifting Lilith. She mumbled with knitted eyebrows trying to fight whatever she dreamt of. I tried shaking her away gently. She didn’t budge.

“Don’t shoot!” she yelled as a she flew upright.
Panting harshly. I hugged her tightly against my chest, whispering soft assurances to her. She calmed quickly and we laid back down holding each other.

“Is it because of what I asked you earlier?” I asked. She nodded. I wanted to ask what her dream was about but I didn’t want her to feel worse.

“You know I’m right here for you right? It’s okay. Whatever you fear in your dreams. I’ll do whatever I can to protect from that.” I kissed her covered forehead.

“Thank you.” She finally spoke.

I rubbed her back until she fell asleep again. Just what is that side of her that I don’t know of? The side of her that experienced these events she dreams of. The events that caused her to shut herself out from the rest of the world. I want to know. What should I do for her to trust me enough to let me in, to try to be there for her. Who is the Lilith that I don’t know?
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Short chapter today, sooorryy.