Without Her

chapter 20 - forgive me?

I remain quiet and grab my morning pills from the side table before getting out of the bed. I open the curtains and the room lights up from the sunshine. Hardin turns on his stomach and buries his head inside the pillow.

I brush my teeth and tie my hair up in a bun. Usually I practice my morning exercises in the bedroom only but today I take the mat and go out in the living room.

My brain is still processing everything that's going on, everything that he said, his reaction and his talk last night which he thinks I didn't listen to.

Unlike everyday, even my breathing exercises aren't calming me today. I can't seem to focus on my breathing and my chest has this constant ache. Whenever I exhale, I become one step closer to start crying again.

The doctor says I shouldn't tire myself because I go out of breath very easily. I have also reduced doing chores and extra work because honestly, my body has become weaker with time and I cannot run from that fact. I only have to accept it so I can live a healthy life.

But living like this, with pills and breathlessness every now and then, having to get sympathy and pity looks from people outside, being a trouble to Hardin as every time I suffer, he suffers too. My coughing keeps him up all night too. At times when this all gets worse, I wish I would just die and end this misery once and for all. But now I have a motive, this baby.

Hardin comes out of the room, still half in sleep, rubbing the back of his neck. "Why are you doing it outside today?" he pours himself a glass of water.

I shake my head and close my eyes, continuing the breathing exercises.

After that I make myself a cup of coffee and respond to a few emails, some clients wishing happy new year, some reminding me of the pending work.

"Good morning ma'am, happy new year" Charlotte answers my call and her cheerful voice somewhat energizes me.

"Happy new year Charlotte, how are you?"

"Absolutely great. How did you call this early and that too on a holiday?" she ask and I sigh.

"Can you mail me those books that are yet to be finalized for publishing? And that memoir we have pushed back since months"

"Are you sure ma'am? It's New Years, and we aren't really lacking in work"

"I would like to finish the pending work, I don't really have plans anyways" I say and Hardin gives me a look from the other side of the table.

"Alright then, I'll be sending them to your house by afternoon, they're hardcopies"

"Perfect, thank you" I hang up and finish the rest of my coffee.

Hardin's POV:

I have just been observing Tessa do her daily activities along with ignoring me. I would do the same if I were her. I feel like shit right now, not only because of the alcohol, but also the guilt of what I did with her is consuming my whole soul.

I cried like never before last night, and told her everything I was keeping inside. She acted asleep but I know her too well to know that she heard my whole confession and didn't sleep the whole night in that stress. It is killing me that she won't talk to me or even look at me.

I do regret what I said, so fucking much that I feel like killing myself. I just hope she forgives me now, she has to.

I was supposed to rip that sexy dress off her and fuck her the whole night but instead we spent it the worst way one could ever imagine. This is not how I wanted our new year to start. Every year now has to be special for Tessa but I'm clearly failing at that.