imagine us in heaven

ii

word count: 2045

"i'm sorry, ma. got somewhere to be or else i'd be stayin' fer supper." he smiles sadly at her, she nods understandingly.
"be safe, ya hear?" she says, letting jack peck her cheek just as john clunked his boots into the dining room.
"you better be back real soon, boy. don't fancy yer momma cookin' this meal just so you can run out on 'er." john says gruffly, shooting jack an expecting glare.
"oh, don't pay him no mind, it's alright." elenour says to jack, brushing off her husbands threat.
"ya better be back real fuckin' quick or i'm draggin' yer ass to the reverends first thing in the morning." john warns.
jack stops breathing, his body running cold.
"i ain't playin'. you got no less than half an hour."
jack bolts out the door, only stopping his frantic moves when he's already a mile down the road. he pants, lungs aching and chest heaving, so he looks up in the sky, catching his breath.
it was a dark, cold night, the stars brighter than jack had ever seen them. as he continues to walk the road to ennis' house in the dark, his thoughts try hard to swallow him.

what if it's a joke?
what if he only wants to fuck?
what if he doesn't care?
what if you get hurt?
jump into the river and freeze.

"fuck." jack shivers, trying hard to distract himself. yet nothing he could do would shake that final pounding thought. it seemed that it only got more prominent, buzzing behind his eyes, playing scenarios of what might happen if he did.

jump into the river and drown.
get hypothermia.
fall to the bottom and float up only when you're dead.
you deserve to be dead.

"jesus fuck," jack says louder than intended. his eyes quickly dart around his surroundings, seeing nothing-seeing no one. he felt paranoid all of a sudden, his brain scattering thoughts rapidly.

do it jack, you know you want to. you want to die, you want everyone to know how badly they fucked you over.
you want to know if anyone will miss you when you're gone.

jack shudders, blaming it on the cold.
did he want to die? he didn't know, he couldn't tell anymore. he was so numb from the inside out that it was almost as if he was in a perpetual state of dreaming. that this was some fucked up nightmare he was forced to watch. to be completely honest, the only time he felt like he wasn't watching some shitty movie was when he was in ennis' embrace; whether it be while they had sex or after, that was always the best time of jacks stupid little life.

yet his thoughts were so consuming. so constant. it was like jack could never escape his own brain, as if it was his worst enemy.
and in a sense, it was.
jack hated his brain more than anything in the world. if it wasn't for his stupid brain he wouldn't remember his daddy smacking him around, or what reverend mosby did to him, or why he was so unlovable-such a fuckup.
he was walking damnation, he was everything a mama would warn her child not to do for the concern you'd go to hell.
he drank, he smoked, he got fucked by men; loved 'em even. hell, he'd even had a scatter of stick and pokes he gave himself with cigarette ash and vodka on days where his numbness was overwhelming.
it made him feel something when he felt like he wasn't a real person. it burned, but it helped, if only for a short while.
now his brain was racing, his eyes watered because of the sheer fact he was so overwhelmed with everything. with living.
he sniffs, wiping his eyes and shaking his head to no avail, the tears had continued to fall.

"jack?" there's a familiar gruff voice, and jacks heart palpitates with fear and something else he wasn't sure how to define.
"jack? fuckin' hell, boy, what are you doin' cryin' in the road? come back in the shed with me, darlin'." ennis sighs, scooping jack within his grasp and bringing him into the warmth of the small building.