A Different Kind of Us

Chapter 12

"What?"

"Sutton Falls is a beautiful campground in Tennessee. Dad and I went there when we first started dating."

"You've told me that."

"It's the truest memory I have of feeling purely in love with your dad. I remember the sunshine catching on his hair--he had a full head of thick, dark hair back then--and I felt so much affection for him, and so lucky that we were there together. We hiked up to a waterfall and talked about our plans for the future, and those plans hadn't merged yet but in that moment I wanted them to. I wanted him to propose so I could call him my fiancé and eventually my husband, and I wanted to have a big Southern wedding where everyone would see how great we were for each other. It's the only time I remember having that clarity about him. We got married and had your brother a year later because we thought we were supposed to. By the time we conceived you, I was panicking that we had made a mistake in marrying each other. I could see it in your dad's eyes, too. I kept praying and praying that you would be the thing that would bring us back together. I thought about that trip to Sutton Falls, and how in love we had been, and I knew I had to name you after that feeling."

Sutton blinked tears from her eyes.

"Oh, honey," her mom cooed. "It's alright. Sometimes love works this way."

"You're scaring me into thinking love doesn't work at all, Mom."

"No," her mom said gently. "It can work, and it will work for you. I already know you'll fare better than me because you've had to be honest with the whole world about what your heart wants. You come by love so naturally, Sutton. You've never tried to force it."

Sutton bowed her head and picked at her thumbnail. Her mind and heart spun with Ada, and for the first time since childhood, she wanted to share that feeling with her mom. But she thought of Ada's fear of labels, of the way Ada shifted uncomfortably whenever Linda walked in on them lying on the couch together, of the anguish in Ada's eyes when Sutton had deliberately and incorrectly outed her all those years ago, and she understood she had to contain these feelings until Ada was ready to share them--if she would ever be ready.  

"What do you want, Mom?" Sutton asked. "After everything settles, what are you looking for?"

Her mom drew in a long breath. "Oh, Sutton," she said, combing her fingertips across the note she was writing, "I just want to feel my heart beat again."

"Let me make you dinner tonight," Ada said at work on Monday. She leaned against the break room counter, a paper cup of coffee in her hand, her expression daring Sutton to turn the offer down.

"Will you make me steak?" Sutton teased.

"Vegetarian lasagna. It'll be better than any rib eye you've ever had. You'd have to come grocery shopping with me, but we can drop your car at my place and then go to Whole Foods together."

"You would shop at Whole Foods."

"Sorry that I'm a better Millennial than you."

"Please. I went to law school--I'm the ultimate Millennial."

"Do we have a plan?"

"Will you let me help?"

"I'll think about it."

Sutton stepped nearer to her and stole a drink from her coffee cup. "Okay. It's a plan."

They stayed late at work, just as they had done the week before. On-Delay trailed out at half-past six, leaving only the two of them and Marta in the office. Sutton was not doing any actual work at this point: she was reading articles on Salon's website and waiting for Ada to finish her last tasks of the day. Every few minutes, she gave her eyes a break from her computer screen and let them rest on Ada instead. Ada had that concentrated frown on her face, the one that meant she was deeply involved in whatever she was working on. Her hair had come down out of its bun and fell around her face in tight little ringlets that shook like tree nettles in the rain anytime she cricked her head between her computer and the stack of papers on her desk.