My Boy Best Friend

chapter 9-heartbreak and love

I fight the urge to scream.

I read Alex's text again: Is something wrong? You seem off.

I read it days ago, but I can't bear to respond.

I close my eyes. What do you say? How do you nicely explain these types of things? I feel like an asshole. I know I need to fix this. I need to come clean. I take a deep breath and start typing.

Actually, yeah. Can we talk?

I close my eyes and hit send. I throw my phone, feeling like shit.

My phone buzzes. I want to scream.

Alex: Yeah, sure.

Emily: Okay, can I meet you in the park?

Alex: Right now?

Emily: Yes.

Alex: Okay, see you in 15.

I quickly brush out my hair and change into a slightly more presentable outfit. Now was definitely not the time to go over the top. I hop in my car and start driving, trying to push down the nerves building in my stomach. I drive faster, hoping that if I go fast enough I can escape the horrible feeling in my chest.

I see his slow walk, the way his heels roll slightly, and the distinct sway of his arms. But his eyes, always so welcoming, bear a look I've never seen before. 

Anger?

Sadness?

Confusion?

No, no, it's not right. There's something else...

I let out a small gasp. 

Heartbreak. That's it. 

I can't unsee the hurt in his eyes. God, this feels so much harder now. It's almost as if he knew what was happening. What this meant. How this would change things.

"So...um," I say, tucking my hair behind my ear.

"You look really pretty tonight..." He says, looking genuine. I can't do this. I can't, even though we weren't even officially anything at all,  this somehow means so much. Like silently, this was so important to both of us.

I start crying. I can't help it, everything feels so messy, so difficult. 

"Emily?" He says, and I can see the concern in his eyes. We look at each other for just a second, taking an odd feeling of comfort in our mutual understanding of how horrible this is.

"Look..." I say, taking a deep breath.

"I'm in a weird place right now, and..." I bite my lip. I try to breathe, but it comes out all shaky. 

"Fuck, this is so hard," I say, wiping the tears from my eyes.

"Yeah," Alex whispers, and I wince at the hurt laced in his voice.

"I...think I was forcing a lot of this, hoping that it could become something. But I realized...I think the entire time I was just trying to convince myself something that wasn't true." I close my eyes, feeling this weird lightness from finally getting this off my chest, but my anxiety only heightened.

"Why?" He whispered softly. "Why did you try to convince yourself?"

I laugh through my tears. "Alex, c'mon. You're attractive, smart, and kind. And..."

"Our conversations." We whisper together.

"I've never had that connection so quickly, y'know? But...I don't think it's a romantic connection."