My Boy Best Friend

chapter 8- finally answered

I can't sleep.

I toss and turn, trying to get tired. No luck. I keep on replaying what happened today with Alex. My mind is at war with itself, trying to decide whether or not I liked it. 

I replayed our conversations in my head. 

"Alex, your car is so cool!"

"Oh, c'mon, you're too nice. My car is okay at best. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but still, it's not exactly cool."

I laugh. "Okay, maybe it's not cool per se, but I like it. You know, it's got a cozy charm."

"You think so?" I nodded.

He laughs. "Well, what do you have for a car?"

I sigh. "I don't. Have a car, that is. Unless you count that old electric kids jeep I had as a kid."

Alex's eyes widened. "You got one of those fancy jeeps! God, I wanted one of those so bad as a kid..."

I laughed. "Yeah. My parents..." I drift off, running my finger along the edge of the table, trying to find the right words. Alex remained quiet, waiting. Listening.

"They were...never really there for me as a kid." I finish, realizing I had never told this to anyone but Jax.

"They were constantly working. They missed my recitals, my track meets, my concerts, and they didn't even have time to cook dinner for us as a family on the weekends or say goodnight." I sigh, lost in sad memories.

"I know they were unhappy. I know they used work as their escape. But I...couldn't handle it, you know? They knew, too. They knew how much their habits were hurting my family. So they did the best they could...and bought us the best toys any child could think of." I laughed. 

"That's awful," Alex whispered, putting his hand on mine.

I nodded. We looked at each other.

"My parents," He began, smiling slightly, "were the opposite. They had so many expectations, so much pressure. I felt obligated to accommodate their standards. They were involved in every activity I did, and they made sure to tell me that I needed to do this and this better in soccer, and that my 79 on my test was completely unacceptable. I know they did it because they loved me and wanted me to be successful...but it was so hard as a kid, you know?" Alex's expression changes and I can tell he's lost himself in memories too.

I intertwine our fingers and give his hand a squeeze. He looks up, and we share a smile. A small, and perhaps forced one, but the level of understanding, the chance to really, truly open up, made our shared smile so special.  

My phone buzzes. I check the time. The clock reads 12:08. Who's texting me at this hour?

Alex: Today was fun. Can we do it another time?

Emily: Heck yeah! Don't forget, we also need to schedule a time to do our project.

Alex: Oh yeah. Are you free tomorrow? 

Emily: Yup! See you then!

I smile. Neither of us asks what we're both doing up at this hour. Perhaps we both already knew.

I knock out cold, my phone still gripped into my hand.

I step back from the mirror with a smile. I kept my makeup natural and sweet, and my clothes casual but stylish. The perfect balance. I jump up and down, excited to see Alex.

My doorbell rings.

I race downstairs and fling open the door. I see a smiling Alex, carrying his laptop and notebook.

I smile. "Come in!"

I lead him to my dining room, where I prepared some fruit and iced tea for a snack. We sit down.

"Alright," Alex says with a smile. "It's time to grind our project."

One hour turns into two, which turns into three. We write and write, discussing and compromising. Turns out the 10 different elements we needed to incorporate require a lot of thought and work. Our snacks are long gone, and my hair, which I had specifically curled, was now up. I let out a small sigh.

"Can we pleaseeeee be done?" I say, turning to Alex, looking desperate. 

"Alright, alright. I think we got enough done."

"Yayyyy!" I say, hugging him. Wait, shit. Have we ever hugged before? It makes me want to throw up.

I quickly pull away. He smiles. I force a smile back.

Wait, what?

Hold on, this isn't how it's supposed to go...

"Do you wanna hang out a little longer...?" Alex says, looking hesitant. 

"Um," I say, biting my lip. "Can we hang out another time? I'm really tired right now."

He nods. We both get up, and I silently watch him put on his shoes. He waves and smiles. I find it in me to smile back, despite how shitty I felt. My eyes slowly follow him as he walks to his car and drives away. I can see the confusion in his eyes, while the only thing I can feel is everything I've always questioned finally answered. 

And fuck, despite the fact that all I wanted was to figure out my feelings, suddenly I wish I could take it all back.

I sit on my bed, closing my eyes.

I don't like Alex. I wanted so badly to like him, for him to like me. But the entire time, I didn't realize how I forced my feelings. I try not to think about the fact that I have to see Alex on Monday and how we're in a group project together.

I clean up our study session, trying not to completely lose it. I don't like Alex. I don't like Alex. That is all I can think over and over. To the point that I want to throw up because I feel so horrible. 

And shit, I really led him on, didn't I? I really thought we were something. But now...

Everything seems so blurry. I take a deep breath and do the only thing I know how: run away.

I run fast and far, music blasting in my earbuds and my heels connecting with the pavement. I run faster, trying to forget it all, shut it all out. Wish that I could run like this away from my problems. I think about the look on Alex's face as we left, the confusion in his eyes. The way he smiled, so kindly, whenever we talked. I run faster and faster, hoping to forget.

Emily: I'm sorry Alex, but I've looked at my week's schedule ad I'm really busy :( do you think we could split up the rest of the project work? Send? Yes No

I close my eyes and hit send, feeling like the worst person in the world. I turn off my phone and close my eyes.

And then my phone buzzes.